Random Thoughts

When approaching the door of one of the local branch libraries, this notice was clearly posted on the glass front: EASY OPEN DOOR: Pull to operate Except for the doors that need to be pushed instead of pulled, don't all doors work this way? Just wondering. Merry ME

[Retreat Continued] 1/28/07 “Nothing is worth more than this day” Goethe Standing in the doorway gazing out to sea, the ocean seems little phased by the night's rain. The waves are still capped by puffs of white foam. The beach at low tide still resembles a fast food lane for the birds. I wonder if the jelly fish are gone, but I can’t tell from this vantage point. I’m tempted to go down and put my feet in the water before I leave, but decide I better not chance frostbitten toes. For all it’s tumbling and churning, the ocean looks little different or worse for wear. I, on the other hand, feel lighter, more in control of my emotions, ready to go home. I’m having a debate with myself as to where to go to church, but if I don’t close this computer and get going, I’ll be late whatever I decide. Next time I run away (and I feel sure there will be a next time) I’ll work on being more decisive. And I think I’ll change that phrase. Instead of saying I want to run away, I’ll declare it’s ti...

[Retreat continued] 1/27/07 Later that day: One of the things that’s tied me down lately is the day in/day out routine of fixing meals. I know that’s what I signed on for when I agreed to be Dad’s caregiver. I know that’s part of the job description that goes along with the position of Kitchen Maven. I know that I told Jack I like cooking. And all that is true. But it gets so tedious. Cook, eat, clean. Cook, eat, clean. Go out, eat, and so on. Left on my own, I think I might be more like a cat. I’d snooze most of the day, eat when the mood struck, clean myself regularly (in my case this would involve a long hot shower rather than that intricate licking process) then I’d do it all again. It, too, might get old after awhile, but it sounds like the life of Riley when you’re worn out, stressed out and burned out. After giving myself permission to take some time off, I decided to break a few more rules. I wondered around Target without regard for time. The irony was not lost on me that this...

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Hermann Hesse [Retreat, continued] 1/27/07 I read a little, wrote a little then wondered what to do with myself. I succumbed to the TV screen and the implication of control by not having to share the remote. I could surf through channels, if I wanted to, or keep it on some sappy Lifetime drama. I passed quickly by anything that looked remotely scary – Cops, crime scene shows or CNN news. I ended up watching most of a documentary of how Oprah traced her African roots through genealogical research and DNA. You’ve come a long way baby, and I mean that in only the kindest, most admiring of ways. At any point in her life, or the lives of her ancestors, had a different choice been made, the story would have had a different ending. I think that must be true for all of us. And since I’m doing some introspection, I think it is a good thing to realize that the decisions and choices I’ve made in the course of my life...

Friday, Jan. 26, 2007 7:45PM I left the house about six hours ago but my retreat didn’t officially start till 3:00p.m.when I checked in. So I’ve been on my own for a little over four hours. Well, not really on my own, as I went back to the place where I got my healing rocks and had a Tibetan Singing Bowl massage. It sounds weird, and the girl suggesting I try it agreed it was a little weird at first. According to her, the two things it had in its favor over traditional massage were #1 you don’t have to get undressed and #2 a stranger is not rubbing oil all over you. I would add my own #3 that it was cheaper than the other massaging choices and #4 the man who does the bowl treatment was on call and was taking late afternoon appointments. I had no idea what I was getting in to, but since this weekend is an experiment in inner healing, I decided it couldn’t hurt. Jeff was not at all what I expected. Not that I knew what to expect, but I had visions of a bald guy in an orange sheet, or som...

January 26, 2007 A little after three in the afternoon. Well, here I sit, by myself in the Best Western Motel at the beach. I whined and cried and growled enough for the last week that everyone decided it was time for me to have a break. I feel a bit of a decadent thrill coming on, mixed with a degree or two of guilt, a pinch of sadness and a giant scoop of loneliness. I’ve only been here for 10 minutes. My oceanfront room is nothing fancy, two queen beds – one for tonight and one for tomorrow. I’ve got the door open to my 3 foot by 3 foot balcony, where the ocean does what it does best. The repetitiveness of the waves breaking on the shore, lulls me into a sweet place. Breathe in, breathe out. In with the guiding light that brought me to this place. Out with the negative energy that has held me captive. (Question: Is it me who clings to the negative instead of the other way around.) Upon arrival, like any little kid who needs to check out her new surroundings, I peed. (Okay, Carolyn,...

I understand that humans are a more refined species than say, cats or dogs. We walk upright; we shake hands instead of sniff bottoms; we eat food that has been cooked and made to look pretty; we walk around, instead of roll in, really stinky stuff, and we, for the most part, don't like to throw up. Still, I can't for the life of me understand why a 16 year old cat who's main objective in life is to eat and sleep, and who can no longer leap tall buidlings or make it to the top of a table without a lot of head bobbing and a good dose of "I think I can" will attempt to climb the cat equivalent of Mt. Everest just to nibble on a house plant that he knows is going to act as an instant emetic. He risks life and limb for a green treat that immediately comes right back up. What's that' all about? Recently I brought in a plant that had been residing outside and needed some TLC. I trimmed off the brown parts, replanted it into a perky little pot, gave it a good dri...