Random Thoughts

I woke up this morning well before Mary. As usual, my first stop was bathroom then on to kitchen for coffee. That made I was on the computer following my routine through the various e-mails that come in over night. Realizing it was 9:45 I went to wake up Mary and we both prepared to leave for the hospital. I went to the garage, opened the garage door and as I was walking around to open the door I realized I felt small. Shorter. As if I were in a fog. At the hospital, we went up to the women's center on the second floor and signed in. A nurse came to take us back so Mary could do the pre-op prep. Suddenly the nurse stopped and said I would have to stay in the waiting room, she would get me when it was OK to join Mary. I panicked, I felt smaller still but I did what I was told. Finally we were in the pre-op room together. Mary  handed me her rings (I shrank some more.) The Dr. came in, he answered questions, explained about the procedure and going to sleep. Then the surgeon lady ...

Part of my nanny job is to bathe Bella and get her ready for bed. [Picture trying to corral a wiggly, squiggly, naked little girl who suddenly has more energy than a box full of puppies and zip her into a one piece sleeping suit.] Since her crib was converted to a toddler bed, she can now jump into bed and burrough down in a corner that makes my back beg for mercy.  One night after the wrestling match was over, we had this conversation: M: Do you know you are beautiful? B: Yes M: Do you know you are smart? B: Yes M: Do you know you are brave? B: Yes M: Do you know you are wonderful? B: Yes M: Can you think of something else you are? B: I'm Bella. Yes, my little love, that's exactly what you are. You are Bella through and through. How lucky the world is to have you in it. _____ Last week Sweetie and I took one of the action steps recommended in the Together In This guide to ALZ. We are now in possession of legal documents that relay our wishes to our families an...

A few days ago I asked Sweetie if he had a bucket list which started a whole bucket list conversation and stopped my writing in its tracks. I decided I was going to write about bucket lists in general then narrow it down to our personal lists. I started but never got past quotes from the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have my own list that got in the way. Which came first - the list or the essay? _____ Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow,  it only saps today of its joy. Leo Buscaglia It is also possible that I stopped writing because I had begun the descent into stay-in-the-bed sadness. I'm a total ostrich when it comes to facing tough stuff. Even though I've learned over the years that depression is not my friend, it is my go-to defense mechanism. At least in the beginning. Close the curtains, unplug the phone, then give me clean sheets and a fluffy pillow, a cat curled up at my feet, a CD the soft, soothing sounds...

I noticed today that when I go into my friend's house, she is often stiff, in pain, unhappy or any combination of the three. After talking awhile, she begins to smile. She moves a little easier.  Before I leave I've heard her laugh at least once.  Tonight I helped her fix a "real" dinner. Fish, sweet potatoes and broccoli - as opposed to a frozen entree. "Hey, this is good," she said. I noticed that it made me smile. Mary calls me Angel Girl. I'm flattered. But I don't want my head to get too big for my halo.  I learned a lot from taking care of Dad.  I also feel like there were a few lessens that didn't quite sink in.  By helping Mary I'm kind of getting a do-over.  That makes checking on her, making sure she eats, helping her bathe and seeing that she laughs a little every day a two-way street. We all need an angel girl. We all gave angelic qualities to share. All it takes is a few minutes to connect with another person. You can...

I noticed   today how good it feels to be acknowledged for something I love doing. It's like getting an extra scoop of ice cream for free. How's this for serendipity. Not to mention good fortune. On the day I was celebrating my 1000th post I received an email from Luc Bergevin who works on media operations at Caring.com. He told me my blog, Random Thoughts, this one, the one you're reading right this minute has been recognized as one of the great caregiver stories on the web. I very proudly ask you to head on over to 18 Great Caregiver Stories on the Web   and check out some other caregiving blogs, videos, and photographs that will inspire you. I am in very good company. Of course I'm honored by this. Caring.com is a wonderful site chock full information about caregiving. It's the kind of place you can go in the middle of the night when the person you're caring for has just driven you to the brink of insanity, or when you don't know where else to turn i...

 I noticed two things today. I got a call this morning from an HR person at a company called Senior Helpers. A couple of weeks ago I was riding this strange high about rejoining the caregiving community. My soul's knowing place spoke up and nudged me into giving it a voice. I talked to Sweetie about it. I talked to my senior friend about it, to my writing group and my priest friends. Everyone agreed. I'm not psychotic. Listening to my heart is different from hearing voices. I toyed with the idea of starting my own business. I also thought it would be good to investigate some caregiving and schools.  I filled out an online application. I felt confident, secure, brave.  When I got the call for an interview I agreed to work for $8.00 an hour, even though it seems like a paltry fee. But I've got to start somewhere. Even though I may have a bunch of experience, I don't have any credentials, certificates, or references.  And with that little tiny opening crack of insec...

Today was another first in my post-caregiving/grief journey. Just when I think I've rounded the corner and have a long, smooth road ahead of me, I trip over a bump I didn't see. I need a job. Not just because I need the money. I need to have something to occupy my time and mind. I need to feel useful again. I need a purpose. I signed on with care.com months ago. Filled out a profile, had a background check, applied for a few jobs and heard nothing back. Nada. Zero. Zilch. I suppose I have to take partial responsibility for that. I have not been terribly pro-active. After my first few unanswered applications to jobs that sounded like a perfect fit, I ran out of steam. I was surprised to get an email from a guy yesterday who needs a caregiver for his mother. She has cancer. She's in hospice. The job would not be all that different from what I did for my parents. I jumped at the opportunity. Then I slammed on the brakes. I was overcome with doubt. Funny. On one hand, I...

The first couple of days that Grace was here I had to push my sluggish body into keeping a baby's schedule and crawling around on the floor. I heard my knees pop a couple of times. My hip made a few cries for mercy as I tried to multi-task while holding a squiggly baby.  By the third day I think I got my groove back. My arms remembered how to enfold a baby as if the memory was embedded in the unused muscles.  Rocking soothed me as well as the baby. Tiptoeing past the sleeping baby's room reminded me of quietude's sweetness.  Old pleasures returned as Gracie experienced new things. Watching a little girl learn to pull herself up and wobble on unsteady feet. Listening as she discovered her song by beating on a Tupperware tom tom with a wooden spoon. Repeating words like kit-tee, ma-ma, G-Pa and Hallelujah Jesus! to help build her vocabulary.  Okay, so she didn't quite catch on to Jesus words, but she did laugh whenever we shook our hands in the air. That's a good star...

Two of my favorite people are ladies I've known since they were two years old. Identical twins, I watched them grow up yet rarely could tell them apart! Today they are mothers with children of their own. As we all know raising children is no easy task. But for these friends it is especially difficult. Janie has two sons with Juvenile Diabetes and Jamie has a son with a form of Autism. Like cancer, mental illness, and alcoholism Type I diabetes and Autism are family diseases. Moms, dads, and sisters soon learn that the disease runs the show. Every day is challenge that those of with "normal" kids can't even imagine. Recently I got an email from Janie with this article: "Things I wish you knew about Type I diabetes. " I'm posting it here for others to read because I think it's really valuable information. "Things I wish you knew about Type 1 diabetes…" 1. I wish you knew that there really is no controlling blood glucose. Blood glucose is a...

Disclaimer: I haven't had much to say lately that didn't involve my dad's dying somehow. I guess this is as good a place to journal the journey as any. If you think it's too depressing it's okay to move on to another fun blog and maybe come back later. Have you been to 1000 Awesome things ? It's, um ... awesome. My fear of Dad coming down with the pneumonia bug was not unwarranted. As I began to recover his throat started hurting. Followed by a cough, which was followed by a chest wracking, wheezing that was hard to stop. Things began to go downhill from there. Dad hasn't eaten anything of substance since Friday. He takes in very little liquid. He continues to pee with surprising regularity. He's also been quite restless though not in an excessive amount of pain. It all makes for long days and nights for both Dad and I. Since Dad is the one whose body is shutting down I dare not make this about me. But it's really the only point of view I have. As a ...

At the risk of tooting my own horn AND being redundant, I would like to say I was quite pleasantly surprised to turn on my computer this morning to find that I am this week's winner of a $50.00 prize in the Eldercare Share Your Story contest. I think everyone who has voted probably already knows this - thus the redundancy! It's quite nice to be singled out among some many really touching stories. I am grateful. BUT .... (Sweetie hates it when I say that) I must say a great big thank you to all my voting public. You guys, known and unknown, have done your job repeatedly and well. It makes my heart feel good to have so many people rooting for me! That said, it looks like I'm staying steady in 6th place. If I'm going to catch up with or pass by the leaders, I might have to stand out on the street corner and wave at people as they drive by. On second thought, I'll just ask that you keep on voting for the next week. Please know that I really appreciate it. I didn't e...

I love my Sweetie like nothing else. He is my day and night and everything in between. I'd be lost and unhappy without him. That said, I also have an almost uncontrollable crush on Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs fame. For some reason the dirtier he gets the more I swoon. Sweetie knows that if Mr. Rowe ever drives into my driveway in a Ford pick-up truck, wearing blue jeans and that cutie pie smile of his, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Oh, for sure I'd come back, but to spend time getting dirty with Mr. Rowe is right up there at the top of my fantasy list. So where, oh where, was the Dirty Jobs man when I needed him? As distasteful as the subject matter might be, when I write my book about the life of a caregiver, it is going to have to have a chapter on "Poop Control ... or lack of." Yesterday was just plain nasty. There's no one to be blame or be angry at, one just has to put on her industrial strength rubber gloves and deal with it. But first, 0f course, I have to ...

"Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better." Albert Camus Instead of making resolutions (and not keeping them) some bloggers that I follow have a New Year's tradition of picking a word to guide them into the year ahead. I believe it is a way to set an intention for the kind of year they want to have instead of just letting fate take over. With all the words in the world it must be kind of hard to pick just one. I guess that is where spending some quiet time meditating about the last year, what changes you'd like to see or what joys you'd like to continue. I barely find time to bathe or brush my teeth, so even though meditating is probably the best thing I could do for myself, it is also the last thing I think of. I pour myself into bed, begin a prayer of thanks for another day and fall into a coma-like sleep. Plus I've never been very good at meditating, although I have found peace in guided meditations that take me to a deserted beach on the Hawaiian i...

(WARNING: This could take awhile!) 5:00 am Dad calls. I am startled from a deep sleep. Go to his bedside. He's sitting on the pot. "I need a pain pill." Ok. What's going on? I'm sleeping. Okay, go back to bed. But at 10:00 I want breakfast - crispy bacon, two fried eggs, English muffin, juice and coffee. Ok. 6:00 am. Dad calls. What's going on? I'm sleeping. I want breakfast at 10 am. 10:04 am. I am dreaming that my father has fallen off the toilet and everything in the room is on top of him. Dad calls. What's going on? I'm sleeping. Didn't I ask for breakfast? Yes. Are we going to see the gingerbread houses today? Yes. Well let's get moving. Enough said. My sister and I swing into action. She starts the bacon. I help Dad get dressed. The man who called his family to sit around his bed yesterday to watch him die is alive and well today. He is dressed, shaved and raring to go in 23 minutes. Noonish. Dad is still eating breakfast. Hey, Dad ar...

Guess who was on the radio this morning? My writing coach/friend Carol O'Dell was filling in for her friend as host a local show on caregiving. She asked if she could interview me. ME?????? I think being on the radio is probably one of those things one can't say no to. Well, you can, but probably shouldn't. How many times do you get to be heard, and don't have to worry about a TV camera adding pounds to your already pound covered body. Perhaps if anyone else had asked I might have hesitated. But I really, really trust Carol. I trust that she wouldn't ask me to say anything I didn't want to say. She leads with a very gentle nudge that makes it feel like what you're about to do isn't new at all, but something you've been doing your whole life. So there I was this morning on WBOB radio! Carol asked questions about being a caregiver and had me read portions of a new essay I've written. The hour was split up with commercial segments so the time went p...

This doesn't have anything to do with a countdown to Christmas, but could be filed under the waiting category. In the last few days, my father has gotten visibly weaker. His legs don't hold him up. Even his voice sounds tired. However, to his great dismay, the hospice nurse says he has not yet made it to the actual "dying" process. I guess that means that his body is not working at peak performance, but it still gets the job done. Philosophical discussions about holding on or letting go are not met with much interest or enthusiasm. Basically it comes down to God's timing. Until that comes we all have to wait. Around 5 am Dad called me into his room. He needed to be cleaned up, the sheets changed, etc. Once that was done he asked me not to leave him. He felt "tight" and didn't want to be alone. I crawled up on the bed with him, keeping my hand on his chest so I could feel it moving. I didn't know what "tight" meant. It wasn't going...

"There are moments when I feel like giving up or giving in, but I soon rally again and do my duty as I see it: to keep the spark of life inside me ablaze." Etty Hillesum "The sky is falling!" cried Chicken Little. "The sky is falling!" Most every day the first email I read is from "gratefulness.org". The daily quotes are always uplifting and thought provoking. When I read the Hillesum quote above, my mind went to a woman Terri has blogged about who is struggling with her own personal darkness. Since Terri has had some experience with the aftermath of one extinquishing her own flame, not to mention her big ol' compassionate heart, I sent the quote on to her. My mind was on people I don't even know who are suffering in a place I've been. It didn't really occur to me to think about my father, until I came back to check on him. He's had a few pain-filled days. New pain medication seems to be zapping him of the little bit of str...

My evil twin has been in charge all day. I don't really know what bee has been up my ass, but I do know I haven't been or felt very nice. For all my talk of being kind to others, I think I need to take a little bit of my own advice. By then end of the afternoon, after fussin' and cussin' about most everything, I went to Sweetie's inner sanctum and asked for 10 minutes of silence. I sat in his chair, closed my eyes and prayed. I tried to breathe in serenity and breathe out my pissy mood. I think it helped ... at least for those 10 minutes. Later it occurred to me that giving myself permission to step out of the frustration and into the quiet was an act of kindness. To the people who have to live with me but mostly to myself. Seems I rarely include myself when I get on these virtuous bandwagons about being kind and gentle and giving and loving. I wonder why that is? My plate is plenty full these days. And I see the holiday season as a runaway train aiming right at me....