Thursday, October 16, 2008

Later that night ....

Post Surgery
12:30 AM

Dad: Mary, I'm all wet.
Mary: Hmmmm.
Dad: Call the doctor.
Mary: It's after midnight. He's asleep.
Dad: Let's go to the Emergency Room.
Mary (out loud):Hmmmmmmm
Mary (in her head): Oh, my God, I can't face the emergency room tonight.
Dad: I'm wet. It burns.
Mary (in her head, sounding like Prissy from Gone with the wind): I don't know nothing about leaking penises.

Mary: Hi Dr. Mona, sorry to bother you at this hour.
Doctor: No problem. What's going on?
Mary: Dad's leaking. Dad's in pain.
Doctor: Oh, he's just having bladder spasms.
Mary (in her head): JUST???
Doctor: Is he bleeding? Is he feverish? .....

Crackle. Crackle. Pop. Silence.

Mary: F#!&*K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack: Yes dear.
Mary: The GD phone isn't working. What do I do now?

The phone rings again.

Doctor: As I was saying. Why don't you just remove the catheter?
Mary: I don't know nothing about removing no catheters.
Doctor: I'll tell you how.
Mary: Oh, well in that case.
Doctor: First you cut the short tube ......

Mary (scissors in hand, remembering Carol O'Dell's advice to look for the funny in a situation): Okay, Dad, here's the plan. We're going to cut your pecker off.
Dad: Good idea.

Mary(on her knees in front of her father who sitting on the toilet, not much visible except the plastic tube extending from penis from hell.) Here we go!
Dad: What are you cutting?
Mary: The part of the catheter that keeps the balloon inside you blown up.
Dad: Balloon?
Mary: Don't ask me, I'm just the cutter.

Cut. Pull. Success.

Dad: oooohhhhhhh. ahhhhhhhhh. That feels better already.
Mary: Thank you Jesus!
Dad: You sure have earned your salary today.
Mary: Yup!

Dad: I think I'll go to sleep now.
Mary (downing two Tylenol): Sweet dreams.

Dad: Mary ?????
Mary: Yes, Dad.
Dad: Do you think I should take a pain pill?
Mary: Are you in pain?
Dad: It burns. I'm wet.

Mary (finally in bed, pulls up the covers, curls into a fetal postition): Deeeeep siiiiighhhhhh
Jack: I love you. Sleep well.
Mary (in her head as she falls into well-deserved and deep sleep): I love you too.

A little less than Merry but truly blessed,

No comments: