Friday, October 19, 2012

Feeling Sad ... What's New

Remember when you were a kid and you added half a year to your age to make you sound older. I noticed on a recent visit to the ER with a friend. I'm 91 and a half she told the intake person.  I think when you've lived to be in your 90s you can add whatever you want!

I'm over 60 and a half. Next Tuesday is the 11th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't tell you why but I miss her like crazy today. I feel like I'm about 2. You know how toddlers are shy and they stand behind their mom's legs, holding on tight to her pants of skirt and peek around to see. I had that vision of myself last night. Then I remembered mom isn't there to hold on to.  Talk about being sad and scared.

In my Picking Up The Pieces grief class I learned it's okay to feel what I feel and not make excuses for it. I learned grief waits deep in your bones. I learned how to ground myself. I learned to self-care (well I sort of learned - that's an on-going practice.)

So for today while I'm feeling sad, I'm letting Little Mary cry whenever she wants.
I'm listening to Linda Ronstadt sing me lullabies.
I'm eating sour cream and chive potato chips.
I'm sharing this on my blog. I wasn't going to. Seems I've written too much about my grief. Then I figured no point in censoring myself no.
And I'm sewing. A baby quilt. For the little boy who is going to join our family in December. It keeps my hands and mind occupied.

Sweetie just walked in and is all worried about me. Hmm Alana didn't tell me how to keep someone from worrying. Since I'm the Queen of worrying I know how it feels. I'm sorry he's worried. Guess I'd feel the same way if I saw him in a puddle ocean of tears.

I think it's time for a scary movie.

(Not so) Merry ME





3 comments:

Jo Dee said...

((Hugs))

MamaJoe said...

I'm coming up on the 16th year since my mother passed. Always thought it would be easier by now. While certain feelings aren't as jagged, others surface and make me painfully aware of her absence.
I wish you joy and memories and the ability to allow yourself to grieve.

Debbie

wholly jeanne said...

I love how you say " . . . grief waits deep in your bones." That's beautiful and true. It absolutely IS okay to feel what you feel - own it, Sugar - and don't bother with excuses. Honor your bones. And eat all the potato chips your little heart desires. Do whatever honors your grief and your memories and your love.