Random Thoughts

Traffic on 295 at a dead stop. No patience. Anxiety rising. Get to the airport late. Big hug, quick goodbye. Sadness sits on my shoulders. Quiet tears. Donuts. Under the blanket. Blessed sleep. Hot shower. Turkey sandwich. Ice cold Coke. Wander the mall. Search the bookstore. Drive home. Sit in my chair, computer on my lap. Can still feel her warm, gentle spirit. Time passes. Goodbyes suck. I miss my big sister. I notice my coping mechanisms haven't changed much. Merry ME

Oh my, what a day this has been. So full of chance meetings, winding roads, memories, moments where the ordinary met the holy, laughter, tears, beauty, fast moving storms, and rekindled sparks of love.  Sweetie and I took pictures all day long, but none quite matched the pictures I have in my head. I fear that they will be gone by tomorrow morning. Funny how my memory can't hold a new thought for more than a few minutes, but as I rounded a curve in the mountain road, I remembered I was almost home. Well, not home exactly, but close to Mom and Dad's cabin in the woods, fondly called Eagle's Lodge. The day started on a strangely spiritual note when Suzi and I were heading through the lobby and she walked right up to an older gent sitting at a table near the door. Suzi is like that - Miss Social. She thinks everyone wants to say hi, and oh by the way give her a pat on the head. Which is exactly what this man did. We exchanged pleasantries and before I knew it, I had pulled u...

"Every goodbye makes the next hello closer. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you must be aware that I have said a lot of goodbyes in the last few years. Actually, I think I've said more than the average number of lifetime goodbyes. Quick see ya laters Angry F U's Silly Ta ta's and Deep heartfelt, won't see you again til we meet in heaven farewells. Let me just say this up front, I think goodbyes suck. I suppose there can be good goodbyes, but mostly, for me, they are less than good and teeter on being badbyes. I will probably interrupt this post for one more. One more that leaves me feeling weak in the knees and sad as can be. My baby sister is moving today. Not so far away that we can't see each other after an 8 hour drive (as opposed to my other sisters that require an 8 hour plane trip), but not right around the corner either. When I pull up my big girl panties and see the move through her eyes, I can feel her excitement. As she watches her be...

I'm feeling anything but Merry today. My eyes, like the overcast sky, are beginning to leak. Why so sad? It's hard to put into words. I got a message today, via caringbridge.org a friend from the "good old days" has died. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just four short months ago. Along with looking for the best course of treatment he signed on to caring bridge which is way of journaling and getting notes from people. Reading his guestbook was like being transported back in time twenty years. I won't say that those were the best of times, but with the benefit of hindsight I realize they were also not the worst. Sure there were long deployments, overflowing toilets, and divorces. There was also a camaraderie born out of shared joys and trials. The helicopter band of brothers were a formidable group who played as hard as they worked. They were Naval Aviators which was, in their minds at least, only a few steps down the chain of command from God - there wasn...

Objective? Who am I kidding. The problem of saying goodbye to someone you love is that a gaping hole is left where that one used to reside. Not just in your heart, but in every room in your house, in the car, in the back yard. I've heard that amputees can still feel their missing limb. It's been eight years since my mother passed away and there are still times I feel her presence every bit as real as if she were sitting on the stool across the room from me watching The Price is Right. Today there was no need to get up and open the back door. No need to mess with the dog food. No one standing at my feet hoping for a morsel of turkey as I clean the bones for soup. No collar rattling. No dog to trip over in the dark hallway. No poo on the rug. (Well, okay, this is probably not something I'm going to miss.) I don't know much about physics. Who am I kidding? I know nothing about physics. But isn't it some Newtonian law that a space will fill itself up - that a vacuum d...

"Grieving is a very necessary process." Andrew, Touched by an Angel I'm beginning to feel a bit like the Angel of Death. Not a dark and scary angel. More like Andrew from the TV show Touched by an Angel. You always knew someone was getting close to dying when Andrew appeared in the scene wearing his all white suit. Even though you knew the goodbye was going to happen and you'd probably need a couple of tissues, there was something comforting about watching Andrew lead the dying one across to the great unknown. At one point in my life, because I'd never experienced the actual death of a loved one - you know, actually seeing the lifeless body - I was really scared of being in the room when it happened. In the way (S)He does, God put me in the right place at the right time so that I'd have practice before I was called on to sit by my mother's death bed. Each and every time has been anything but scary. In the last few years I've also been present when som...

"Farewell. God knows when we will meet again." William Shakespeare I know all this talk about my story being published is going to get old real quick. So while I can still chalk my excitement up to newness and thrill of it all, I'd like to add something about goodbyes, that I read recently. My friend Dani suggested I read the book, The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, MD. While the four things might be aimed at what to say when a person is dying, they are really statements that can make a difference in any relationship. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Short and sweet, but depending on your relationship circumstances, not necessarily easy to say. I'm only half-way through the book, but I can already see the value of these statements. "The four things offer essential wisdom for completing a lifelong relationship before a final parting, " says Byock (page 6). "Thankfully, not all goodbyes are final - but goodbyes can ...

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. T hen we would have to say good-bye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos." Snoopy Elton John sings that "sorry seems to be the hardest word." But I think he's wrong. I think the hardest word to say is "goodbye." This morning, after a week that seemed like it had less than the optimal 7 days, I took my big sister to the airport so she could fly back to Washington. I don't know how many miles it is between Washington and Florida but I know the distance between sisters is way too big. Oh sure, we have cell phones and Internet access, but tell me, is there anything better than sitting knee to knee, sharing iced teas and life stories? As we stood on the sidewalk, shivering in the record-breaking autumnal morning chill, we hugged - the kind of hug that s...