Thursday, October 6, 2011

Goodbye ... Again

"Every goodbye makes the next hello closer.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you must be aware that I have said a lot of goodbyes in the last few years. Actually, I think I've said more than the average number of lifetime goodbyes.
Quick see ya laters
Angry F U's
Silly Ta ta's
Deep heartfelt, won't see you again til we meet in heaven farewells.

Let me just say this up front, I think goodbyes suck. I suppose there can be good goodbyes, but mostly, for me, they are less than good and teeter on being badbyes.

I will probably interrupt this post for one more. One more that leaves me feeling weak in the knees and sad as can be. My baby sister is moving today. Not so far away that we can't see each other after an 8 hour drive (as opposed to my other sisters that require an 8 hour plane trip), but not right around the corner either. When I pull up my big girl panties and see the move through her eyes, I can feel her excitement. As she watches her belongings pile onto a truck, she must feel like Christopher Columbus adding the last of his provisions to the Santa Maria before setting sail for new land. An adventure, to be sure.

At the same time, I realize it is my inner child - that scared little girl sitting in a corner seeing her mother with a suitcase in hand and hearing the back door slam with no chance to say, "wait, wait, please don't go. I'll be good. Dad didn't mean it, or even a simple goodbye"- who feels the sadness that sits just under my heart, filling the area under my ribs. Again, my adult knows that mom only drove around the block until she could cool down, the the suitcase was for effect and that even if she hated the whole fam damily when she walked out the door she loved us enough to always, ALWAYS come home." (Well, until that day in October, 2002, whose anniversary is round the bend and may be part of the reason all this feels so raw right now). My little girl never quite got the hang of letting go.

So that's kind of where I'm at right now. I should be gearing up for my own adventure. I'm about to start my own packing. Yet my heart is heavy. I think the Universe is aware of how I'm feeling and that's why I'm being bombarded with a lot of how to overcome fear messages. Because seriously at the heart of the matter is fear.

Over at Terri's blog I read this quote by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, one of Terri's favorite authors:
'Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from ego only.
They are: the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road,
and the patience to learn deep love over time......
....It would be a mistake to think that it takes a muscle-bound hero to accomplish
this. It does not. It takes a heart that is willing to die and be born and die and be born
again and again.'

I think I've got the tenacity thing going on. Most days I'm more patient than the average bear (barring a long line in a "fast" food joint). It's the learning new ways that comes hard for me. Usually I have to be dragged kicking and screaming into a new venture. My comfort zones, even when they have become dark and cramped, still provide a safety net that new things don't provide. Seriously one of my favorite things at the circus is to watch the trapeze artist's fall from the swing into the net then back flip over the side before taking an Olympic-like ta da!

"It takes a heart that is willing to die and be born again" is the very heart of every universal message I know: From Christ to Mother Nature to Windows XP. Something/someone has to die before before new life/ technology can take root. It is the truth that is told in every falling leaf of Autumn, and every tulip that blooms in the Spring.

Every goodbye brings the next hello closer.
I can't say I'm grateful today for the opportunity to test tenacity and patience, but I am thankful for the awareness. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have shared love and acceptance with my sister. My heart smiles with gratitude when messages come to me from out of the blue.

Wishing for you a new hello for every goodbye you have to say.
Merry ME


QnDani said...

(((((((Mary))))))) surrounding you in hugs and love.

Molly said...

This is timely for me. Lately I've been wanting to move and completely start over. I'm sorry that your Sister's fresh start stings you. I imagine that's how my mother and sister would feel if I moved from Atlanta to where ever, so reading what you have here is helpful to me in considering my impact on others.

Cinderella said...

Goodbyes are hard, Merry. There is always a little bit of feeling abandoned and insecure when someone you love leaves - even though maybe excitement comes when you go somewhere yourself:)

Going outside of your comfort zones, learning new things, they all are adding to your courage and willingness to keep becoming the person you love:)


terri said...

this whole life/death/life stuff is hard, isn't it? with ya, mar....