"How did he do that?"
In the last week I've noticed a definite up turn in my emotions. I can't say why or how. I just know I don't feel the heavy burden of grief bearing down on my shoulders anymore. I've caught myself both laughing and singing.
As the veil of grief lifts I can see more clearly. Not just the tasks at hand. I can see a future waiting for me to make a move. Oh sure, I'm still very tentative. I'm not yet in a place of full trust. I'm holding on tight to my green security blanket and keeping the Kleenex close. One never knows when the next tsunami will hit. I am, however, taking baby steps towards what will be.
Even as I write that, I chuckle because really I have no clue "what will be" so how can I move toward it. I think, the first step is in believing there is something else to do. My life is not over because my Dad is gone. Perhaps my life is on the brink of just beginning.
I see a whole world of opportunity. I just have to zero in on what will work best for me. Ahh, that's the stumbling block. Knowing there is possibility is one thing, stepping out is another.
So yesterday my dear and trusted friend, Qn Dani gifted me a reading from her friend and Psychic to the Stars Brett d'Arras. I've only ever touched my toes into the water of psychic readings so I didn't know what to expect. But I was curious. And, I would love to have someone other than me say, here you go girlfriend, this is your life no go live it. If I depend on myself, who will I have to blame if things don't work out? ME? How scary is that!
The time of my appointment arrived. I had a couple of questions so I was ready when Brett asked what I wanted to know. Mostly I quizzed him on what might be in my future and who might be tagging along on the journey with me. See, how fear hangs around me. The idea of following my psychic-ly ordained life without a wise one to hold on to, as opposed to say just a bright Star in the East was too much for me. I wanted to make sure I had a guide!
That is not to say that I don't trust Sweetie will join me on my journey. But "what if" he doesn't know where we're going either. And we all know about men and direction asking. a newbie's sponsor is a very important part of working a 12-step person. I remember being told, when I was new in the program to pick a person who seemed to be where you'd like to be someday. Make him/her the lantern that lights the path for you. That's what I was asking Brett. Who will be my light?
Well, let me just say that this man, who I've never met and who doesn't know me from Eve told me a lot about ME, my life as it has been, and my life as it could be. He said I have "healing" energy around me. And even if that sounds a little woowoo, my heart exclaimed, "yes." My father told me a story shortly before he stopped talking that answered a big "why" question for me. And Brett validated it in a way no one but me could know. I'm not going to run right out and sign up for medical school. I am going to acknowledge what my Spirit wants from me.
Brett says that the creative energy I'm developing now, i.e. redecorating (how did he know that) is what is going to propel me into a new phase of creativity. How that's going to look we'll have to wait and see. And I AM going to have guides, maybe I've already got them in my life or maybe they'll show up in the summer. As I sat at lunch with a friend I've wanted to get to know better, today, I couldn't help but look at her long blonde hair and wonder ... is she the one? My eyes are open now to new possibilities. How cool is that.
And as far as my relationship with Sweetie goes (how could I not ask?) Brett told me we're going to get back to being on the same path now that I'm not distracted like I've been. I nearly swoon at the idea of walking hand in hand down life's grand avenue. Because I've got to tell you, both of us wandering around Home Depot and meeting at the check out counter to pick out this and veto that is getting old. I know it's a learning curve, and I know that melding our likes and dislikes at a furniture store is just on the job training for the rest of our lives. Whether it will be traveling in an RV (probably not), becoming foster parents (maybe) or setting sail for totally new horizons I love the idea of beginning a new chapter of our book.
I hope to be able to stay focused on the future instead of just letting life runaway with me. I think it's going to take work, positive energy and commitment. Three things I've always given freely to others, I hope I can do the same for me.
Wishing for you a light to guide your way and courage to explore uncharted lands,