Embrace The Suck

Today I noticed  tiny dimples at the top of each finger on Caroline's little hands. I think I fell in love today. Just something about her blue eyes,  gentle spirit, sweet smile and perfect lips made for baby kisses. Baby love. Does it get any better than that? Merry ME

Today I noticed this sign: For some strange reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I went back to take the picture. It's obviously hand made, and the fluorescent orange paint is made to draw attention. Do you think it's for drivers or visually-challenged people? Does it mean, "Stop! Blind people!"? Or  "Blind people, stop!"? Can the blind person read the sign? I noticed the sign is placed at a crosswalk where there is already a traffic light. Therefore, if a blind person wanted to cross, the cars should already be stopped.  Right? I'd like to think that if a blind person was crossing the street, drivers would be paying more attention to them than the sign, i.e. they'd already be stopped.  But I guess you can never be too careful. Better safe than sorry. What do you think it means? Merry ME

I noticed today that I was wearing a little tiny boulder on my shoulder. First of all Sweetie pointed out to me some unauthorized (or so we thought) transactions between our old checking account and the new savings account I opened yesterday.  "Don't get me started," I told him, as my blood began to boil. It's like Pavlov's dogs. You say something about money and I salivate. Not in a good way. More like a werewolf with rabies. Then I went to visit Mary. Last night she told me she had not been bathed in over a week.  Even after the whole towel fiasco, I laced up my boxing gloves before visiting entering the "care" facility. Had I learned that Mary had still NOT received the shower  promised on Sunday, I planned to go straight to the executive director who I noticed was in his office as I passed by. The good news is she did have a shower - mostly a cool trickle, but she got somewhat clean. The bad news is the bruise I saw on her leg. Don't get me ...

I noticed today how grateful I am to Weneki for turning me onto chicken salad for lunch. It always seemed so much trouble to make. But it's not really. And I noticed how just a smidgen of curry powder adds the right zing to the salad and never fails to remind me of my mother. Do you have a favorite food that reminds you of someone? Merry ME

I guess Father's Day and the lack of a father got to me more yesterday than I thought. I started twice to write a post about fathers. When interrupted I didn't go back to them. And I'll be honest all those daughter and Dad photos on FB made me feel like a little kid sitting on the edge of the sidewalk pouting cause she wasn't picked to be on anyone's team.  I don't think it was overt pouting, more like an icky feeling under the surface percolating. Feeling resentful of people who still have dads is about as childish as it gets, don't you think? Ahhh, childish. Now I get it. As I was typing out the word childish, I had a vision of Carolyn sitting alone and feeling sad.  Well, I'm just going to have to do something about that. Come, dear girl, sit on my lap. Let me hold you and rock you and snuggle up close. No we don't have our Daddy here anymore. And it's scary and sad. Here's what we do have. Memories. Yeh, I know some of those memo...

I read a FB post today by Josh Urban . I think I've mentioned him before. He's Terri St. Cloud's son who has been traveling as a one man goodwill ambassador. He's supposedly looking for all the good out there in the world, that people tend to overlook. My guess is, that as he visits hospitals, plays his music or makes motivational speeches at elementary schools, Josh is as good as any other good he can find. And that's what makes his mission so great. He's not calling attention to himself. He's pointing the light on others. Today he wrote:  I was on The Cardinal, heading south to Charlottesville, when I wandered up into the lounge car, sat down, and got into a conversation with a Vietnam vet. He said after 'Nam, he was stationed on an ammo ship in France. "You know those old wives tales about rags starting fires? Well, they're true." With the blaze broke out on board, he and the rest of the cre w went to flee the fireball that the ship c...

Sweetie used to facilitate a caregivers' support group via teleconferencing. He never had many callers. Even I backed out after awhile, cause I needed to spend more time with Dad than on the phone. He did have a regular caller, though, one of his coaching friends. who faithfully called in every Tuesday to discuss how hard it was to parent his grandchildren.  Their mom, his daughter, wasn't doing a very good job. Like many of the boomer sandwich generation this guy and his wife stepped up to the plate to give their grandchildren a stable home.  Just when they were about to enjoy retirement, their lives changed. I don't think they'd have it any other way, but that's not to say it wasn't a difficult situation. Sweetie passed out business cards around town, advertising the support group. The group calls ended a few years ago but apparently  his number is still listed on a few caregiving websites. Last night, he got a call. Thought it was a wrong number at first....

I'm noticing how organized new mothers are today. I don't think I ever wrote out a schedule. But then, when it comes to time management, maybe I've never been organized. I started my new nanny job today. I'm typing as "sweet Caroline" sleeps. When I got here, mom went over lots of directions; All neatly written down in a white notebook. Shades of my Dad! We walked into the kitchen to see where things are, conversation morphed easily from breast milk, to glass bottles, to dying. Mom told me about her dad's 6 year illness and recent passing. Her grief is still new and raw. Her tears were as natural as the morning dew (yes, I was up early enough to see and feel the dew) glistening in the sun. She had a story to tell. Her story. I listened. I nodded. I noticed how I felt and empathized, but didn't cry. Her story did not turn into my story.  Progress I think. When the subject turned to nursing homes/care facilities we were both on the same page. Wo...

Yesterday I noticed B and her Dad lying on the floor, face to face. She had been laughing at her own jokes for a few minutes, so Dad tried to capture it on his phone. I tried to capture the scene on my camera. It made me think about how far fathering has evolved since I was a baby. I wonder, did my dad every get down on the floor with me, or change my diapers? I'm sure my mom never left any of us in his care without a note from the Doctor. No away time for mothers of her generation. Dad did take a lot of pictures of me because he was in his photography phase when I was about 3. There's a picture of me up to my cheeks in a bubbles. I think the story is I had the mumps. Isn't that a father for you? His sick daughter relaxing in a tub and he thinks it's the perfect photo op. Come to think of it, I was pretty cute. Maybe I didn't have the mumps, just chubby cheeks. I noticed when B's mom came home yesterday how much she needed B to be as excited as she...

Can't remember the last time I was up at 5:50 and heading for work by 6:15. Usually I'm not a morning person. Okay, I'm never a morning person. But I had a date with Miss B who proved to be much mellower today. Didn't want to stay on schedule and didn't laugh until bath time when I was ready to leave. I couldn't help but notice the smile on her dad's face when he tried the magic words - Go! Go! Go! - and B laughed out loud. I got tears in my eyes as I closed the bedroom door. B was sitting in her dad's lap while he read her a bedtime story. ___ Sweetie and I went out to dinner. On the way back to my car, I passed this rusted drain pipe stuck to a building. I would have walked on by, but I caught a glimpse of green. Some plants had sprouted and were getting just the right amount of water as it dripped from the pipe. Sometimes all it takes is a little sun, a little water, and a little perseverance to bloom. Where have you bloomed lately? M...

Today was a first for me and Bella. Her mom went off for a girl's weekend so I stayed with Miss B until her daddy came home.  I've got to say, everything went like clock-work, give or take a few minutes! After B's 2 o'clock nap, I talked to her in her crib as she lay surrounded by duck pacifiers. That still cracks me up! So made up this little rhyme: Five ducks all in a row Ready for Bella to go! go! go! You'd have thought I was Jay Leno, or something! B laughed out loud. So of course, I did it again. And again! And again! And each time B laughed harder and harder. Adding squeals like babies do. OMG! I felt like the funniest person alive. When Dad came home it was time for cereal. I made a bit of a mess, but Miss B ate the whole thing! She was a little slow with the bottle, but between Dad and me, we got most of it down. Then I said my poem to her again, and dang if she didn't start right back up laughing. Over and over again. Dad had never heard he...

Today I met another baby - Caroline. I was interviewing for another nanny job. I felt comfortable as soon as I walked in the door. Mom talked some. Dad talked some. I talked some. And when I held "Sweet Caroline" she talked some. How could she talk, you might ask. She's only 3 months old. I don't know exactly what she said, but I think she was letting me know that we are just right for each other. I  noticed  how wonderful it feels when a baby smiles at me. ___ I also noticed the difference in the "Care" facility Mary is in and the facility where another friend is recuperating from pneumonia. No antiseptic smell. Lots of light. People looked me in the eye, and to a person - even the guy pushing a broom - they said hello, how are you with a big smile. It looked to be family friendly. Sadly, I can figure the difference is money. If you can afford more, you get more. I understand that's the way the world works. But it doesn't mean I ...

I did not visit Mary today. I didn't realize til the day was mostly over, but I really needed the break. Instead I played (some might call it work) with sweet, sweet Bella. When I got there, her mom had just put her down for an afternoon snooze. Miss Bella is playing hard ball when it comes to going to sleep on a schedule.  But I've noticed that the I'm-the-boss-you-can't-tell-me-when-to-go-to-sleep time is getting shorter. She gets her pacifier and a pat or two. Then she's left alone to a) go to sleep b)play or c) fuss. She gets 15 minutes to self-soothe. If she's not asleep the adult goes back in, replaces the pacifier, gives a few pats and leaves. Since I was on duty, I waited the allotted 15 minutes, watching the kicking, squirming, fussing on the monitor. Bella had just about worked up a full head of steam when I walked in to settle her down. Oh how I wish I had a picture of that face. Seriously folks, she gave me a smile that would melt the heart of ...

I didn't post anything yesterday. Not because I didn't notice stuff. But because the stuff I noticed made me so angry and sad and crazy all at the same time that I pretty much lost my cool. Losing my cool is one thing if I'm home alone. Doing it in a public makes it even worse. I don't which was worse the outburst or the embarrassment afterwards. So here's what happened (just the facts mam) Mary had been given a laxative with her breakfast. (I'm still not sure if it was given to her or she asked for it. Either way she didn't need it.) Well guess what. She started to poo. and poo. and poo. Mostly unable to get out of bed without help and help was not always around (like 1 hour past the first call) she pretty much had to recline in her own mess. So while I was there visiting, she was regaling me with these stories while she continued to cramp and other stuff. When the aide came in, she was not what I call gentle. I wanted to grab up my friend and take...

Today, I was reminded of how delightful children can be. I saw future. I sat in the very back pew at church. I find I'm pulling farther and farther away and not sure why.  I don't think it's God I'm fleeing from. Perhaps the place no longer feels like home. I don't want to cling to the past but I don't know how to move into the future. From the back row I watched a little boy, 2 years old I think, sit quietly, then clap some, then raise his arms, do a little jig and say alleluia.  He's always been too cute for words, but seeing him today as he's coming into his own personality, well it was kind of like seeing just what God must have intended when he put children on this earth. Today was also a day to celebrate 4 high school graduates. I can't site the statistics, and the margin is narrowing, but the number of Hispanic high school drop outs is still high. The fact there are 4 graduates in our relatively small congregation tells me that their paren...

I noticed today how angry I get when I walk in the front door of a certain SubAcute/Rehabilitation Care Facility. I wonder why nursing homes are called nursing homes? As far as I can tell there isn't a whole lot of nursing going on. Got a call from Mary today, she was crying and said she needed me. Guess you know I tore out of here like that tornado tore through Oklahoma. I was pretty worked up by the time I got there. But things didn't appear to be as bad as I expected. Poor thing needed to vent. Can't say that I blame her. I'm ready to start taking names. I start with Grace. To give her the benefit of the doubt, Grace and Mary had a run in the very first day. It took Mary a few days to a) settle in and b)manage her pain. She can be pretty crusty. Grace probably drew the short straw that day.  I don't know how they do it. I couldn't. Still, it doesn't give them the right to ignore, walk away from, be rude to.  Now since I didn't see any of Mar...