Embrace The Suck

"How can there be so much difference between a day off and an off day? Unknown I spent all day yesterday at the hospital with my father. He needed to have his pacemaker changed. We were told the procedure wouldn't take too long. It was supposed to be like driving your car into a stall at an old fashioned service station. Out with the old, in with new. Zip, bang, boom. We checked in at 10am and then waited until after 2 for the surgery to begin. Fr. Georges sat with me the whole time. He helped make the time go faster. With Georges on one side of Dad's stretcher, me on the other we prayed, we talked, we laughed, we dozed. Still, the minutes seemed to stand still. There's no doubt that sitting in a curtained cubicle listening to the beep, beep of the blood pressure machine and seeing every other patient in the room be rolled away to the procedure du jour is a little like watching corn grow. All that sitting made us tired! I awoke refreshed today to the sound I've com...

"There should be a law that there's a pajama day every few weeks.” Alyson Hannigan Should I be embarrassed to admit it is almost 4:00 pm EST and I am still in my pj's? Should I confess that this is not the first time this week this has happened? What exactly constitutes the making of a habit? More than twice? As habits go, there are some that could be worse but few as comfortable as I how am feeling. I wonder how close I am to actually being called a sloth. Then I think it's my house, my body is covered, no one but Dad and Sweetie are here to see the sloth so does it really matter what I wear? Then I ask myself what about those kids who walk down the street with their pants hanging down around their thighs and I ask myself am I on the verge of becoming something I detest? Then I think about what a good day it's been so far and I have to attribute some of it to the ease I'm feeling. It's not as if on the days I decide to get dressed I clad myself in cloth...

2/25/2009 There aren't many things on my bucket list but visiting the John Denver Sanctuary in Aspen, CO is near the top. I want to go on an all girl pilgrimage with my sister, my daughter, and my nieces to this Rocky Mountain shrine. Photo: http://web.mit.edu/barkowit/www/Aspen/DSCN1336.JPG

"... in this quickening light, with the dawn of each new day, let us look for love." John Denver I was reading a blog this morning where the author was recalling the music from 1968. She mentioned the Beatles, the Beach Boys, Procol Harem. I read through the list and was dismayed to find no mention of my all time fave - John Denver. What's up with that? Was I the only one who spent a great deal of my teenage angst on the fact that I wasn't Annie; that John wasn't singing directly to me? I don't remember the year but I was cool enough to join some other girls at a Beach Boys concert. My first such outing I believe. I was stuck in the nose bleed section of the Coliseum barely able to see the floral design on the "Boys'" shirts. I think my first clue that I was out of my league and totally un-cool was the fact I expected to sit with my hands in my lap and listen to the music. Oh sure, I would have clapped my hands, or tapped my feet, but standing ...

2/24/2009 I want to hold this boy and his new puppy in my arms and remember when he was just a few weeks old and smelled like Johnson's Baby Lotion. I helped to raise him for the first five years of his life. He just turned 13. Where does time go? When I look at this picture my heart overflows with love. ME

"Setting healthy boundries means sometimes saying, "No." http://www.inspirational-motivational-quotes.com/giving-quotes.html According to the most recent newsletter from Three Sisters Spirit ( http://www.sisterspirit3.com/ a fun site you should visit if you haven't already) the sun entered the sign of Pisces on Feb. 19th. I'm not exactly sure what that means as I'm not real into horoscopes but I found some of the stuff Dani wrote to be not only interesting but frightfully accurate. For instance, "Pisces is the most emotional of the signs. Since there are no boundaries between them and the world around them, they often feel everything -- absolutely everything. Differentiating between what they feel and what someone else is feeling, especially someone they care about, is their greatest challenge." For anyone who knows me, I'm guessing the part about being emotional is not exactly new news. I pretty much wear my feelings on my sleeve. Unless you a...

March 8, 2009 IWD is a major day of global celebration for the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future. In the days since deciding to host an International Women's Day Blog party, I've spent a lot of time in thought about the women I know. Zeroing in on just one woman to acknowledge as having had a major impact on my life is much more difficult than I thought it might be. It's good, I believe, to think back over one's life and remember the ones who have helped make us who we are and who we still might be. I asked the men in my life what women they might pick. My father, ever one to challenge a perfectly good thought, thinks everyone will naturally pick their mother, so what's the point? Has any one woman had any more impact on a girl than her mother, he asked without looking up from his dinner plate. Sweetie acknowledged that his mother had an impact on his life but in a very negative way. It wasn't until he was older that h...

2/19/2009 I want to tiptoe through a tulip field with my sweet baby girl. And when we've taken in all the beauty we can possibly hold we'll stop for a spot of tea. Just Wendy and me whiling away the day - no cares, no worries. Ahhhh serenity, ME

"Babies! What a wonderful way to start people!" Mary Engelbreit Here's the newest member of my extended family: Christopher Carson Warner aka "Kit" Born: Feb. 18, 2009, 2:29AM, 8 lbs 9 oz. ProudMom & Dad: Steve and Aly Proud Grammy: Aunt Letty Welcome to the world Little Kit. May God bless you with love and joy and laughter for all your days.

"Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall." Oliver Goldsmith My Sweetie has started on a new journey. Or maybe it's an old journey that is just taking a new path. Regardless, I think it's fun to watch the process. A few weeks ago he facilitated a 7-week class at a local high school. The class was put together by Junior Achievement to help students begin thinking about a career path. It was not just a "what do you want to be when your grow up" class, although that was certainly a part of it. Sweetie had the teens thinking and talking about morals, values, and personal truths. Sadly, it was a hard concept for some of the them to grasp. As is often the case, the teacher's eyes were opened to new vistas, at the same time as the students. At the end of the 7th week, Sweetie had made a good impression, if not a home run. Known to the students (behind his back til the last class) as Col. Sanders, Sweetie gave the juniors and seniors some...

2/17/2009 I want a DQ hot-fudge sundae covered with whipped cream and nuts. Yum!

(I got sidetracked, but then what's new? ME) "All places are alike, and every earth is fit for burial." Christopher Marlowe I had to get up early for some lab work and to play taxi driver. When I got home I was delighted to see what a beautiful day it had become. A hint of chill in the air, but the sun shone brightly and big lazy clouds streaked against the sky. A good day I decided to take dad out to the new National Cemetery. Normally I try to avoid tasks like this. To me it seems like my father spends an inordinate amount time thinking about his death. I try to balance that by encouraging him to live. Perhaps in the end it all evens out. I think, however, that my looking on the sunny side only serves to piss him off. Whether it is stumbling around on his walker, trying to predict when "the cancer" will get him, or counting his money, Dad's mind is never too far from his imminent demise and the details that goes along with it. Lately, deciding where to h...

2/12/2009 I want TV news crew to stop invading people's privacy in the middle of a humongous tragedy. Little Haleigh is still missing. Keep praying.

"I have received no more than one or two letters in my life tht were worth the postage." Henry David Thoreau Dear President O'Bama, I'm sorry to be sending this letter by email but I don't feel like I have a choice. I've just left the local Post Office and discovered that it costs almost $25.00 ($22.85, but who's counting the pennies?) to send my children 2 small boxes of Valentine cookies. Quite frankly I was a little shocked. Sadly, I considered keeping the cookies, eating them myself, and sending a nice e-card instead. Somehow, that just doesn't feel (taste) the same. I am writing to you to see what exactly can be done about the continuous inflation of postal rates. Can it possibly be true that a square inch of sticky paper will soon cost the letter-writing consumer 44 cents? Even considering some of the pretty stamps that are on the market, I think the cost is a bit on the high side. I like technology as much as the next person. I realize that co...

2/10/2009 Tonight I want 5 year old Haleigh Cummings to be found safe and sound. It's been almost 24 hours since she was last seen. Why do these things happen? O Lord, please let it turn out ok. Praying hard, ME MyFOXTampaBay.com

2/9/2009 “One must always have one's boots on and be ready to go.” Michel de Montaigne I want these yellow boots. You can't tell from the picture but they look like they have a case of multi-colored measles. I'm not exactly sure I want them. I just do. I'm not sure when or if I'd ever wear them. Sweetie sees me wearing them when I'm working in the yard. But that would assume that I spend enough time working in the yard to warrant the forty dollar price tag. I'm guessing not! Also, might I point out that these boots are made of rubber and come up to my knees. I'm guessing even if I did feel like working in the yard in the middle of a hot Florida summer wearing the boots I would be asking for an ugly case of foot fungus. Heat, sweat and rubber don't always mix well. There is, however, the possibility that these boots might come in very handy when living in Florida during the hurricane season . If ...

2/8/2009 I satisfied the urge for nachos today. Rather decadent I admit, but oh so good. Tonight I look around the room and want to get it picked up so I don't have to face it in the morning. How hard can that be? The problem is one of the baskets that has to be emptied is full of stuff that needs to be ironed. I don't mind ironing, in fact I kind of enjoy it. But I'm not in the mood to do it tonight. Guess I'll just move the basket around and make myself think I've cleaned the clutter! Yeh, I know, I'm easily convinced!

"All I was trying to do was get home from work." Rosa Parks I received a bulletin from Women to Women International announcing the upcoming International Women's Day (IWD) on March 8, 2009. According to the information, IWD "is a time for women around the world join together in celebration of the intelligence, strength, courage and beauty of women. Since it's inception IWD has been a day to celebrate the achievements of women around the world without regard to their national, ethnic, linguistic, cultural, economic or political differences." Personally I've never heard of this day but in doing some research I find it has been celebrated for almost 100 years. The very first IWD was held on March 19, 1911. March 19. Hmmmm. That date sounds familiar! Women to Women International suggests that individuals hold local events to celebrate women and to the raise awareness of the global food crisis. So I got thinking. I'm a woman. Why not host some kind of an...

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me." English Proverb I think this little ditty was made up by a mother who had to deal one too many times with a crying toddler who had been teased at the playground. It sounds good on paper, or coming out of a loving Mom's mouth, but in reality it is "ca ca." It has been my experience that broken bones mend in about 6 weeks. A child's psyche, on the other hand, can stay bruised for years. I don't remember much my older sister said nice to me. Yet I remember well being called "Toothpick" "Stringbean" and "Spider Legs." Oh sure, today I'd love for someone to call me by those skinny person monikers, but it isn't going to happen. These days I'm often reminded by someone who who should know better, about the size of my rear end. Name calling just to be mean and nasty is just that -mean and nasty. I'm not sure why but for some reason people take a ...

2/7/2009 I want a big plate of nachos dripping in cheese and chilies, and guacamole. An ice cold beer would be good to go with them, but I'd settle for an iced tea. Dad got off schedule today because of the funeral. He wants popcorn for dinner. Guess I'll have to wait for the nachos. Just as well. They'd probably give me a stomach ache.

"Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abbott I was having a conversation with my son recently. Actually, he was wound up tight as a drum so he was talking and I was mainly listening. I marvel at his grown-up take on life. There was a time I wasn't sure he'd survive adolescence, let alone be able to talk about it with intelligence and candor. I marvel at the things he says and wonder when he got so smart! In this conversation he said, "Our anger doesn't go away. I've just learned to tame it." Huh? This wild ass, quick-triggered, you-don't-know-who-you're-messin'-with madman has learned to tame his anger? That made me chuckle. But I realized the very fact that he's still alive and not doing time in prison is because he has tamed, if not all, at least some of his demons. Later on I started thinking about what he said. I wanted to disagree. If anger doesn't go away why have I spent so much t...

"The meat taken should be that of hens or roosters their broth should also be taken because this sort of fowl has virtue in rectifying corrupted humours." Rabbi Moshe ben Maimonides Fr. Georges was with Anne when she drew her last breath (See "We Are Spirits" post below) That night at church, Georges was visibly worn out. Even when you believe that death is not an end but a beginning, letting go is no easy task. "I felt it in my heart," he told me as we sat together in the quiet church. Because he cared so much, I think he felt a physical pain as well as an emotional one. A few days later Georges was sick. Sore throat, coughing, sneezing, aching, fever sick. He needed a nurse, or at the very least a good dose of chicken soup. Merry ME to the rescue! I talked to Georges yesterday and he was feeling better. He said he was sure it was the soup. I wonder what it is about chicken soup that restores a person to good health? According to an article by Nanci Bar...

2/6/2009 I can't think of anything special I want tonight. Maybe to float down a long lazy river on a hot summer afternoon. Or to sit on a porch swing, in the same afternoon sun, sipping iced tea and looking across a green meadow. The more I think about it, the more I think want some solitude. Just me, myself and I. Mmmmmmm.

2/5/2009 Earlier this evening I wanted to smack something. I wanted to smack something really, really hard. Like the sound a bat makes as it hits a ball that you know is going to fly out of the ballpark. WHACK ! Instead, I went to my room, slammed the door, let out a roar and counted to 100. Then I began to blow the steam off. Eventually it was time for dinner and I had to come out of the cave. I ate dinner, played cards, and did the dishes. I ate 2 bags of popcorn while I watched a dumb movie where Woodie Harrelson played a gay guy with a southern accent (except he sounded more like the Godfather than Col. Sanders) who wore fancy schmancy double-breasted suits and a wig. Now it's time for bed and the smacking urge has left me feeling tired. I want to get to the point in my life when I can let a stupid comment pass by me like the ball soaring over the grandstand. I want that to happen before my father dies. I don't want his power to make me insane hanging on forever. Unpleasant...

2/4/2009 "A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen, is that you can take it to bed with you. " Daniel J. Boorstin I want to go to crawl into bed, hunker down under a load of blankets and read the book I started last night about a puppy that was adopted by a Marine in Iraq. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it has a happy ending. Nighty nite, Merry ME

2/3/2009 "Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy ... anger .... tears ... laughter. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it" Unknown* For some reason known only to the universe Sweetie got upset today over a bottle of Gingerale. I didn't understand the question he asked, and he got mad because I didn't understand. I think. Maybe it was something else altogether. Maybe it was me. May it was him. Who knows? Here's what I've learned. It's not so important why the Gingerale set him off. What's imortant is that we can exchange unpleasantries, take a time out, then have a conversation that consists of forgiveness and hugs. This is how I know we're good together. We both value communication more than the "mad" silence that follows heated disagreements. I think we've both found great success in our ability to have a meeting of the minds without c...

So far this year I've attended 2 funerals. There will be another on Saturday. Sometimes I go to funerals out of respect for a friend who's lost someone close. Or I go because someone in the church has passed away. If I believe we're one big family, then it's only right to grieve as a family and to celebrate as a family a life, even if I don't know that person. The home-going celebration this weekend will be for a person I've known for several years. We weren't extra close but I'll miss her. I've watched her age; seen her body and strength gradually fade away. She spent the last few weeks in the hospital. For a couple of days, she rallied. Then she left this world and those of us who loved her are left with hurting hearts. I don't know what happens when we cross from this plane to the next but I have an idea that works for me. I went to a psychic a few months after my mother passed away and she told me that when mom crossed over her parents were t...

2/2/09 As I was driving a friend to the hospital at an ungodly hour before daybreak, I noticed a billboard advertising the Powerball Lottery is up to $55 million. I want to win that jackpot. I know that sounds greedy. But really, except for paying off my bills and setting myself up a nice little retirement fund, I think I'd give most of it away. I'd be one of those people you read about who let the money slip through her hands. But just think of the change I could make in the world with that kind of money. No it wouldn't be permanent. No there would still be wars and poverty and mean people. But maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to paint rainbows in the life of people who know nothing but rain. God, I think that would feel so good. I know you need to teach a person to fish rather than giving him a plate of sushi to eat. How fun would it be to give fishing poles to people the world over? Poles, and worms, and nets. I'd make sure there was a cast iron frying pan to cook ...

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." Elisabeth Foley Am I beginning to sound like a broken record? Thinking, reading and writing about "connecting with others" is the on-going theme in my life these days. So, I have to ask, was it the law of attraction, serendipity or what I call a "God" thing that I made this fabulous re-connection with a good friend from my past? Let me backtrack a little bit. Surely it's no surprise to anyone that I got way behind doing all the traditional holiday chores. I got a roast (sans the plum pudding .... who eat's plum pudding these days?) on the table but not until after the New Year had been rung in and the confetti cleaned up. I could tell by the way my days were shaping up that I should not even consider getting Christmas cards in the mail on time. I opted for New Year's cards. I just mailed them last week. Here's where the "woo woo...

2/1/09 I want to remember the phone conversation I had with a long time friend. So much time has passed since we last spoke. So many things have happened in our lives and the lives of our children .... 10 grandchildren have been born! We talked, laughed, reconnected. It was divine.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." Havelock Ellis* I am so not computer savvy. I don't have a clue how to link one blog to another inside a post. Other people can highlight a word and when you click on it, you are transported to the site they want you to see. Personally, I think it's magic. After I read a recent Bedlam Farm post, I really wanted to know how to do magic. Katz posted a picture of what he calls "the last leaf in the forest." One brown leaf, clinging by an invisible thread to an empty branch in a starkly barren New England wood. It's a rather amazing photograph. Amazing that the leaf was able to stay connected to that tree even in the midst of so many odds. As if to say to the world, "don't count me out yet." Amazing also that the man was there at the exact right moment to capture the beauty, strength and resiliency of the leaf. I wonder, is it possible that having its picture taken fo...