Saturday, July 18, 2009

Can You Hear Me Now - Part IV

"Your mind knows only some things.
Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything.
If you listen to what you know instinctively,
it will always lead you down the right path.
Henry Winkler

Where was I?
Oh yeh, mid-whine ...

So to put it all together, I realize now that my voice has always been there. Buried deep perhaps under layers of fear, doubt and shame, but there nonetheless. From the time I was 15 I only spoke in places I felt really safe - a psychaitrist's office, to start with. As I got older I found reguge in 12-step meetings, church, my Sweetie's arms, and most recently my writing.

For most of those years I never trusted my own voice or believed that anything I had to say was important. Likewise on the outside chance that I could think of something worth saying, I didn't trust other people not to put me down or make fun of me. Yikes, I was a big ball of fear and anger. What does that spell but depression?

If I only knew then what seems so clear now. I can't go back in time and change things but here are some things I can try to do now that might put me back on a footing equal with that girl I used to be.

  • I can wrap my heart around skinny, nerdy Mary and give her the high five she deserved back then. I can be her cheerleader and coax her into telling her stories. Better late than never, right?
  • I can learn to give as much credence to my own voice as that of others. Whether other people agree with me or not, I have a right to speak my truth.
  • I can pick and choose what is important enough to me to debate.
  • I don't have to raise my voice, or stomp my feet, or cry to be heard.
  • I can practice the golden rule of listening - Listen to others as I would have them listen to me. In other words give people, no matter their age, my full attention by using my eyes and heart as well as my ears.
  • I can keep writing.
  • I can stop looking for approval in all the wrong places.

Like a lot of other challenges I put before myself, these sound easy enough. I suspect, however, I'll have trouble with putting them in practice. But for today (and the last week) I've got the awareness going for me. Change can't really begin to take place until there is an awareness.

I'm an old dog trying to learn a new trick,

Merry ME


Fire Byrd said...

This is fantastic Mary.
This is the sort of stuff I try and get my clients hooked into, cause its the stuff I've been doing for years ( not always successfully, but I keep trying!)
To look after your inner child is vital, as is all the other stuff on the list.

If I could add one more perhaps....

Be still and know that however vile the feeling is inside it will pass, and if you accept it rather than fight it it will pass even quicker.

big hugs

Anonymous said...

Mary; All that we become derives from the process of remembering who we are. You have such beautiful memories of self. Like flowers held in cold winters ground, your memories are warming the earth/potential/progression around/in you and blossoming. I'm excited to see the flowers you're growing into. What a lovely bouquet. Loving you jdc

terri st. cloud said...

i was absolutely clued, mary.
absolutely glued.
i hadn't been over in days.
so i just scrolled down to the first
can you hear me now....and kept on going. i haven't read your last post yet which is on a different topic because i'm too filled with this one.
i'm going to have to come back again
for the other.
i just don't want to lose this feeling yet.

thank you for writing it.
thank you for sharing it.

terri st. cloud said...

that would be 'glued'...
when i said clued...i meant glued.

grinnin' like a silly monkey......

JoyZAChoice said...

Lovely MerryMe! Hadn't been here in a while..but the fabulous Terri sent me over (again!) and how grateful I am that she did. LOVE the whole 'series'. LOVE IT! And, for what it's worth..your timing is perfect. Yep..know how it feels and have the same little 'battles' with my own distorted (or is that 'warped'?) self worth. Thank you so much for sharing this. By the way...I think you deserve an award for courage too. Bravo!

Hugs & Giggles~