Friday, October 8, 2010

Sometimes you feel like a nut .....

Wednesday was my writing group day. This day always begins with an air of expectancy. There is much to enjoy - a few hours away from the house when I don't have to think of anything that has to do with caregiving, feminine energy and humor, the aroma of coffee and sweet breads at Panera's, loving and supportive feedback. Mix them all together and you have the makings of a good day.

This week our group was a little smaller than usual. That's bound to happen because it's never easy to gather ten people together on a regular basis. It's a given that life will run interference - doctor's appointments, the flu, work, etc will get in the way of fun.

Our group is mostly made up of women. To keep us honest a gifted writer who happens to be of the male persuasion is also a part of the group. Or was until his boss handed him a group of interns to train. Tim has many great stories to write. His memoir is sure to be a good read. I won't be surprised if there is a chapter about the writing circle thrown in among the stories of other out of the ordinary characters.

Tim probably isn't going to be able to join us until he gets his interns trained, so I wrote him a note to tell him he is missed and to encourage him not to stop writing. (Sometimes my emails get a little carried away and I write more than just the facts!) Ro which Tim, the psychiatrist, replied, and I quote, "You're a nut".

Upon reading that, I threw my head back and laughed. Then I stopped and checked out my own reaction. I saw, with my very own eyes, a woman who can laugh in the face of insightful medical evaluation. Instead of going to bed, crawling under the covers with a box of tissues and a promising never to see the light of day again, I felt, down in my gut - the same place where the icky stuff lives - acceptance of my own nuttiness. Being a nut is not a bad thing. In fact, if being a nut is who I am, then it's really a good thing.

In the past, I've had doctors tell me I'm depressed, manipulative, angry. I've had them tell me I'm intelligent (huh?), worthy (me?) lovable (yeh, right!). And the man I credit with saving my life actually told me I'm a good writer. Thirty years ago I thought he WAS the nut, but I never forgot what he said.

Today, I'm not only embracing and enjoying my nuttiness, I'm believing in my ability to write a good story. My story. As my Sweetie would say, "this is a good thing." I wrote Tim back and thanked him for this new insight. Then I started wondering, if I am a nut, what kind of nut am I? Walnut? Hazelnut? Almond?

Here's the good doctor's reply: Hazelnuts are exotic I suppose and walnuts are practical and good for your heart, but almonds are associated with holidays and good will towards humanity for me and thus to me you are an almond. Almonds also have calcium which are good for women as they uhhhhhh mature.

Since I am by nature, obedient, I'm going to stick with Tim's assessment. I think he's right. Given a choice of all the nuts in the world, I'd probably pick an almond first. If for no other reason than Panera's bear claws warm from the oven are covered in thinly sliced toasted almondy goodness. Food fit for the gods. No doubt the reason I'm drawn to this delectable sweet thing instead of pecan rolls.

My journey of self-discovery has been a long one. The road has taken many twists and turns. I've tripped over my own feet and stumbled over stones that turned into golden nuggets. I can't say I've always enjoyed the trip, but I am grateful for the people along the way who have offered a hand and gentle (sometimes not so gentle) encouragement. I know this is not the end of the road by any means, that there is way more to discover. But for today, I'm going to just be a NUT!

If you were a nut, what kind would you be?

Wishing for you the sweet smell of almond oil and the crunchy goodness of a handful of lightly salted almonds straight from the can,
Merry ME


Qn Dani said...

ahhh...dear mary - this is more to the almond connection than might meet the eye.....

the almond is the food and "fruit" of the goddess - symbolic of the holiest of holies, the sacred "yoni" (vulva) - the seat of woman's connection to creation and creativity.

A whole new way to look at those warm oozy bearclaws and your delight in them... eh?


Merry ME said...

Oh my!

Annie said...

Dear Mary,
I liked the good doctor's reply very much.
If I can join you in an almonds and macadamia and walnut blend, we will relish our nuttiness quite well:)

Your last 2 paragraps resonated so strongly wiht me about the self-discovery journey.

I'm so glad I found you, for your hard shell of a nut has much soft heart, and value to know and continue to discover. Thank you for sharing yourself:)

Hamid said...
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Fire Byrd said...

Oh well I'm in good company then, cause I'm bonkers! ( I do love that word)
A little off the wallness helps the medicine go down in my opinion. Otherwise it's a tough ride.
A little skipping down the road works wonders for being stuck in a grown up world!