[In front of the Gingerbread Pirate Ship in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton]
"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh, humbly, " there isn't.
But there was going to be when I began it.
It's just that something happened to it along the way."
The train of my life is on the fast track and I have lost all control. There is a little bit of this done, and a little of that, but nothing feels very festive, let alone holy. In years past, I've been depressed at this time of year; one of many, I'm sure. This year I just feel discombobulated, unable to prioritize any of the many tasks. Well, that's not exactly true, of course my father is the #1 priority. He goes up and down physically, stays down emotionally.
Last night I was so mad at him for things he was saying that seemed just downright mean, that I was ready to throw in the proverbial towel. An hour or so later, he was shivering so badly he could barely stand with me on one side and my sister on the other. My anger melted away as I donned my FLorence Nightingale hat and did my best to comfort him. It was a long night but my sister took the first shift so I could sleep. We changed places at break of dawn. His fever seems to be gone, but he's still weak. My point is this, I KNOW there is only so much I can do. I KNOW my expectations for a Norman Rockwell Christmas are out of place and unattainable. I KNOW attitude is a state of mind. I'm just not doing a very good job of letting my knowledge rule me. I feel like one of those joy stealers Terri wrote about in her blog this week. Qn Dani would probably put me in "the naughty chair" before serving me a mocha latte if I don't begin to squelch my negative attitude. I haven't even stopped to think about the Christ Child we are celebrating in two days.
So right here and now, I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to go back over the last few days and see if I can pick out the "pony" moments instead of the "poop".
- Lunch at the Ritz Carlton
- The Comcast lady who helped me program the CD player so Dad could listen to his favorite music five at a time
- The mothers bringing communion
- Tim Stiles fixing Dad's trapeze
- Jo extending her helping hands
- Apples from Washington St.
- A friendly voice on the Hospice triage phone line
- Time away with my Sweetie
- An unexpected nap on the airbed
- Belly laughs caused by Jib Jab cards
- Weneki's 2010lists
- The dryer repairman
- A surprise flower bokay
- Black cat hugs even when I'm not in the mood
- Apple technical service
- Golden Retrievers and Santa
- Hearing my sister read my luminary story
- Remembering my mother's birthday
- Dad's bath girl calling him Sugar and holding his hand instead of giving him a bath
- My Sweetie laying his hand on my back as I fall asleep
- Our tiny Christmas tree that almost didn't get put up
- A new dryer
- Dan Seals & Don Williams CD
- Hearing Sweetie read The Night Before Christmas and doing sound effects
- Having Johnson here
With the exception of the new dryer which will make keeping up with the laundry easier, none of these little moments actually lightened my load, but they sure lightened my heart.
Wishing for you a magical moments,