And just like that, it's over.

It's kind of like waiting for Christmas to come if you're a kid. Once all the presents are opened and colored paper covers the floor and you discover Santa forgot to put batteries in your stocking there is a natural melt down period. Nobody can keep that state of excitement for long. Or if you're the mom, aka one of Santa's elves, after all the shopping, wrapping, and assembling, there is still the colored paper all over the floor to clean up and a festive dinner to prepare.

It's not that the waiting was awful (though it can be hard work) or the object of the waiting not what you expected. It's just that when it happens it sort of feels like "okay, that's done, now what's next."

Well, for me, the what next is a funeral, the sorting, the cleaning, the packing up, the giving away, the busy-ness of the days to come so I don't have to think about life as I've known it for 15 years. I know there is grieving and planning ahead, but for now I've got things to keep me occupied. I would like, at some point, to be able to compile my experience as a caregiver into a book. And there's that "Freedom" word that keeps coming up.

Tonight freedom means going to bed and sleeping for as long as I want. It means taking caring for myself by living a "should-free" life. It means giving up my sense of responsibility by letting someone else handle the details of the day. It means letting myself feel that I've done a good job, and accept others' praises without minimizing the work I've done. It means killing time, getting a pedicure, taking a walk, visiting friends, joining the Y and getting lost in a good book for no other reason than I can.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and loving hearts,
Merry ME

Comments

Fire Byrd said…
Holding you in my thoughts, whilst you deal with this difficult time. And be assured I am at the end of this page ready to nag you if you go into busy overdrive and not grief!
xx
January 24, 2011 at 1:56 AM
QnDani said…
(((((Mary)))))

Also holding you close in my heart. Very, very close.
January 24, 2011 at 7:57 AM
Pamela Jones said…
Freedom to let the love flow all around you. Sleep well, Mary!
January 24, 2011 at 8:43 AM
AkasaWolfSong said…
My Dear Sweet Sister...

I had this knowing in my heart this morning and when I came just now to your blog, my knowing was correct. I am holding you close to my heart right now and in the days ahead, as you go through this time...
May you find some comfort of peace and love from the many who surround you now in deep Divine Love.
You've been an Earth Angel to your Beloved Father and he knows this and Loves you very much.
I send The Angels to walk beside you Mary.
I love you,
Akasa
January 24, 2011 at 9:54 AM
Tracey Catarozoli a.k.a Sally Sunshine said…
"...she set down the past and gently, with great care, she held the present. She held him and she held love." Teri, Bone Sigh Arts
January 24, 2011 at 11:41 AM
terri st. cloud said…
mar...finally finding my blogs again....i can't believe how much i've missed in your life....
just wanted you to know i'm back reading and holding you in my heart.....
January 24, 2011 at 12:02 PM
MamaJoe said…
If no one has told you, I hope you know that you have been a wonderful daughter to your father. Reading your words have been a gift. I just hope you know the gift that you have been.
I pray peace for you.
January 24, 2011 at 10:04 PM
Anonymous said…
You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll keep you there as you step into this changed world.
January 25, 2011 at 10:38 AM
Molly said…
Oh, Mary. I'm thinking of you and your family. Sharing your experience these past months has been such a gift. I'll be in touch.

Molly
January 26, 2011 at 9:39 PM
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