Thursday, January 27, 2011

Boo Hoo!

When I peek my eyes open in the morning to see if it's a new day, I instantly become aware of no sounds from across the hall for the entire night. Then I remember. It all happens in a second's time but sets the tone of the day.

Oh yeh, now I remember. My father is gone. And with him all my excuses for why the things around me are in such a state of disarray. I want to be up and moving, cleaning, organizing, getting things - anything - done. I roll over and go back to sleep.

I know. I know. There are no shoulds. Give it time. This is grief.

What do I do now that the focus of my life is no longer around?
Where do I look for me?
If I go into his room and tear it all apart, go through drawers and move furniture, give stuff to the Goodwill and load a trash truck with the crap that's left over, will I feel better? Or should I turn the pile of papers on his desk into a shrine? I could spray paint it gold and add some incense.

A dove sits on the telephone pole outside my window. Her mournful cry is the soundtrack of my day. No Willie Nelson or Tennessee Ernie, just the dove singing a funeral dirge. It fits I think.

Sorry to be so melancholy. Its just that I'm feeling kind of lost and alone. Now that's funny, because the truth is I am right here, where I've always been - not lost at all. And I'm surrounded by more love than a girl deserves.

Wondering what my future will be like.

Wishing for you a day full of joys you take note of.
Merry ME

P.S. Please keep Patty M and her husband in your prayers. His tumors have returned and growing fast. They are running out of options. Please send some of your radiant healing energy to them.


terri st. cloud said...

mar, i think that's gonna be your biggest hurdle. you've been occupied at this for fifteen years. life just totally changed. now what?!
who wouldn't feel lost and alone?
personally, i think when you get some strength back, you'll see the excitement behind that....but it may take awhile. travel gently and trust the process, ya know?

Laura Paine Carr said...

Dear One,
Personally, I know that your book will assist and celebrate others on many deep levels, just as your writing on this blog has. Of course, these few days into your "new" Life, things are going to feel very strange. I know the feeling of "wow, where did the time go?" and somehow "it" really happens. I love what terri says, " gently and trust the process..." Bless you. Bless this day. Bless "easing into..." this new pair of shoes. You are so Loved, yes, very deservedly so.

Fire Byrd said...

one foot in front of the other, that's sometimes all you can do. it's such early days, they don't say time heals for no reason. you don't have to make any decisions you just have to be right now that's all, decisions can come later when you can think.

Tracey Catarozoli a.k.a Sally Sunshine said...

Honey - I am not one to give advice, but HELLOOOOO!! There are fields of Sunflowers out there just waiting to be run through!

Now, I realize that it's January and therefore there aren't sunflowers growing anywhere, and to run barefoot through those fields, if there were, I gotta think would hurt quite a bit.

Maybe you should just lay in bed and listen to the dove. Seems like the perfect thing to do for a body that needs to rest before the rest of her big life starts!

All in time (your time)... and with love!!

QnDani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
QnDani said...

"Where do I look for me?"

Place your hands over your heart and take a deep breath. Now exhale.

There Mary. Right there.


(hope my reply works this time!)

AkasaWolfSong said...

"Walking by the sea, I pick up a starfish that is missing an arm. Losing you has been like that. Like a limb actually was torn from my body.
As I gently place it back on the sand, I notice that despite the cruel amputation, a marvelous and beautiful creature has survived. And I remember the miracle of the starfish: the arm will grow back, and it will be whole once again." (from Safe Passage by Molly Fumia)
Dear rest now, or get up and clean like whatever feels good to you in the present moment. You will find yourself in those moments as they Terri shares, trust the process and we all will be here with you as you need us.
(((All My Love Mary...All My Love!)))

Pamela Jones said...

Dear Mary,

Just breathe. How long has it been since you could just breathe and trust that you would not be interrupted mid-breath? I know you must have a mental list of all the things you wished you could be doing while you were doing for your Dad. I say, pick one of those things and give it to yourself as a gift. Open it and do it and enjoy it, and let the rest fit around it. You have nothing but time. Be kind to yourself and trust that your energy will find its way to what needs to be done. For now, enjoy the fact that you can sleep. Your body must be crying out for rest. Listen to it. Listen to your heart as it heals. Life will open up when you are ready to take the next step. <3 <3 <3