Oh yeh, now I remember. My father is gone. And with him all my excuses for why the things around me are in such a state of disarray. I want to be up and moving, cleaning, organizing, getting things - anything - done. I roll over and go back to sleep.
I know. I know. There are no shoulds. Give it time. This is grief.
What do I do now that the focus of my life is no longer around?
Where do I look for me?
If I go into his room and tear it all apart, go through drawers and move furniture, give stuff to the Goodwill and load a trash truck with the crap that's left over, will I feel better? Or should I turn the pile of papers on his desk into a shrine? I could spray paint it gold and add some incense.
A dove sits on the telephone pole outside my window. Her mournful cry is the soundtrack of my day. No Willie Nelson or Tennessee Ernie, just the dove singing a funeral dirge. It fits I think.
Sorry to be so melancholy. Its just that I'm feeling kind of lost and alone. Now that's funny, because the truth is I am right here, where I've always been - not lost at all. And I'm surrounded by more love than a girl deserves.
Wondering what my future will be like.
Wishing for you a day full of joys you take note of.
P.S. Please keep Patty M and her husband in your prayers. His tumors have returned and growing fast. They are running out of options. Please send some of your radiant healing energy to them.