It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To ....

... only, I really don't want to. I just can't help it.

I tried to post something last night. Every time I thought of what to say my eyes started leaking. My tears are always at the edge of my eyes ready to fall these days. My birthday was no exception. I was gifted with delightful presents, kind thoughts, and much love. It felt ungrateful to cry. So, I basked in the birthday limelight birthday, then wept in silence when no one was around. I just couldn't write much.

Except, of course, at church where I'm like the spiritual version of Niagara Falls, I'm feeling a little less boo-hooy today. I'd like to extend a heartfelt thank you everyone who did so much to make my special day special. I've pretty much made it known that birthdays, mine in particular, are for celebrating. Yet, as my day approached, I didn't think I was going to be up to it. But, I was pleasantly surprised and my mood lifted with every card that came in the mail. On Friday when not one, but two, bokays arrived I felt my feet gearing up to do the happy dance! Yesterday I received books, a CD, a new camera, a hand-made mug and several birthday songs left on my answering machine. As I unwrapped each gift and listened to each song, I felt wrapped in love, which, not surprisingly, made me cry!

I also felt a kind of sadness I couldn't explain until last night. I finally recognized it was Little ME, aka Carolyn, who was so sad. My grown-up adult persona understands about loss and grieving. But Carolyn only knows she felt sad and lonely. It was the first birthday she'd ever had without her parents being in this world to share the joy of the day. There would be no phone call or birthday hug or reminder of what happened on that day so many years ago. No mom to tell of crossing over the bridge twice from San Francisco to Oakland in one day. No dad to give a pinch to grow an inch. I'm 59, feeling like an orphan and wanting to crawl up into my Daddy's lap and have him tell me everything's going to be okay. Only he's not here. While I'm sure that someday everything will be okay, right now, birthday or not, it doesn't feel like it. Boo hoo.

As my grandmother, a true believer in making the most of every birthday, would say I'm beginning my 60th year. It looms large and feels kind of scary. One of these days I know I'm going to peer through my tears and see all kinds of adventure and opportunity waiting for me. All I'll have to do is pick up my feet and walk in the direction of my hopes and dreams. That's what birthdays are for, aren't they? To awaken the child in us who can still make wishes come true by blowing out candles.

Thanks to all of you. I am blessed. Not just on my birthday but everyday.

Wishing for you a big piece of cake even if it's not your birthday.

Merry ME