"Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o're frought heart
and bids it break."
When I started this blog, I titled it Random Thoughts because I didn't have any idea what I was going to write about. I liked the idea of having a place where I could come and pour out the contents of my brain at any given moment. I love having this space to write, create, vent, laugh, cry. I love how having a blog has connected me to so many people. At a time when I had to circle the wagons and hunker down with the demands of caregiving, I was blessed to have friends and bloggers to share my journey so I didn't feel so alone.
I realized today that my thoughts are no longer random. Grief has taken over my heart, soul, mind and body. No big surprise there.
I want to be gentle with myself. I want to give myself permission to feel what this journey is all about. Journaling, I think, will be good for me and could, perhaps, be good for others. The thing is I don't want this blog to turn into a big long obnoxious sob fest or rant. While that may be what I need, I'm not sure it is what you, my "fans" will care for.
I feel stuck. Should I start a new blog - Griever's Anonymous? Or should I write in one of my many empty journals, or on the numerous little note pads Dad received and kept from every fundraising organization looking for a five dollar handout? I feel pretty sure I won't write in two places, so if I choose the latter, do I just say TTFN (ta ta for now) to the people I've grown to love here? Is my grieving personal or could it help someone else along the way?
I'm learning one of the side effects of grief, is my inability to make a decision. My brain is mush. The other night I told Sweetie I wanted a snack but couldn't even choose between ice cream or popcorn. (Knowing chocolate ice cream trumps popcorn every time is a no brainer, I rest my case.)I went to bed without either, which probably isn't a bad thing. Still it would be nice to feel like I can still think beyond mary, mary bo bary, banana fana fo fary ....
I have experienced loss several times in my lifetime. I know grief is a passing thing, though not passive. I know there is another side, a future full of opportunity and adventure that waits for me. The problem is right now I am having trouble releasing my grip on the past. I haven't just lost my father. I feel like I've lost a way of life, my purpose, my sense of self, my vision, my goal. Now what? I ask myself with little or no clue how to answer the question.
Can you imagine one of those water toys kids play with on a hot summer's day. It's a hose with lots of holes in it, so when the water is turned on full blast, they can run through a delicious spray of water that lasts the length of the hose. That's what I feel like. I've got lots of holes in me, and I keep leaking tears of sadness, tears of loss, tears of goddammit why isn't there a lane to swim in. I leak in church, I leak when I read cards and emails, I leak when the lady from the insurance company offers me a good deal. In other words I'm a big baby boohoo.
Is that the kind of blog you want to read? I'm not sure it is the kind I want to write. I beg your kind indulgence as I make this transition. If you've got any helpful suggestions feel free to comment.
Not so Merry ME