Monday, March 7, 2011

Feeling Sad


"Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o're frought heart
and bids it break."
Wm. Shakespeare

When I started this blog, I titled it Random Thoughts because I didn't have any idea what I was going to write about. I liked the idea of having a place where I could come and pour out the contents of my brain at any given moment. I love having this space to write, create, vent, laugh, cry. I love how having a blog has connected me to so many people. At a time when I had to circle the wagons and hunker down with the demands of caregiving, I was blessed to have friends and bloggers to share my journey so I didn't feel so alone.

I realized today that my thoughts are no longer random. Grief has taken over my heart, soul, mind and body. No big surprise there.

I want to be gentle with myself. I want to give myself permission to feel what this journey is all about. Journaling, I think, will be good for me and could, perhaps, be good for others. The thing is I don't want this blog to turn into a big long obnoxious sob fest or rant. While that may be what I need, I'm not sure it is what you, my "fans" will care for.

I feel stuck. Should I start a new blog - Griever's Anonymous? Or should I write in one of my many empty journals, or on the numerous little note pads Dad received and kept from every fundraising organization looking for a five dollar handout? I feel pretty sure I won't write in two places, so if I choose the latter, do I just say TTFN (ta ta for now) to the people I've grown to love here? Is my grieving personal or could it help someone else along the way?

I'm learning one of the side effects of grief, is my inability to make a decision. My brain is mush. The other night I told Sweetie I wanted a snack but couldn't even choose between ice cream or popcorn. (Knowing chocolate ice cream trumps popcorn every time is a no brainer, I rest my case.)I went to bed without either, which probably isn't a bad thing. Still it would be nice to feel like I can still think beyond mary, mary bo bary, banana fana fo fary ....

I have experienced loss several times in my lifetime. I know grief is a passing thing, though not passive. I know there is another side, a future full of opportunity and adventure that waits for me. The problem is right now I am having trouble releasing my grip on the past. I haven't just lost my father. I feel like I've lost a way of life, my purpose, my sense of self, my vision, my goal. Now what? I ask myself with little or no clue how to answer the question.

Can you imagine one of those water toys kids play with on a hot summer's day. It's a hose with lots of holes in it, so when the water is turned on full blast, they can run through a delicious spray of water that lasts the length of the hose. That's what I feel like. I've got lots of holes in me, and I keep leaking tears of sadness, tears of loss, tears of goddammit why isn't there a lane to swim in. I leak in church, I leak when I read cards and emails, I leak when the lady from the insurance company offers me a good deal. In other words I'm a big baby boohoo.

Is that the kind of blog you want to read? I'm not sure it is the kind I want to write. I beg your kind indulgence as I make this transition. If you've got any helpful suggestions feel free to comment.

Not so Merry ME

8 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

We are here, whatever you write. And I guess if you open a new blog we'll just follow. So you may as well stay here!
And grief is such an up and down process that yes todays post is sad but equally tomorrows may be full of fun and laughter as is the way of these things.
So write away Mary, and if when you read through what you've written it feels too personal, save it somewhere else for you to read quietly. And wait for the moment when you think you've written something right for here.
Cause we do not judge whether it should be here or not, YOU do that. We're just happy when you share with us, whatever it is.
xx

terri said...

i second fire byrd!
i don't come here 'expecting' anything. i come here to be with you.
and it's YOU i want to be with.
which means whatever you're dealing with and thinking and feeling.
don't take that away from me and feed me what you think i want. feed me you.

AkasaWolfSong said...

I so totally second Fire Byrd's and Teri's response to you...I'll be here come what may Mary...

We are here because we want to be!

You do what you feel you can do when you feel you can do it Lady...and that is the bottom line. And just a note...it is okay to boo hoo! Release, release, release...I love you Mar!

Melissa said...

"At a time when I had to circle the wagons and hunker down with the demands of caregiving, I was blessed to have friends and bloggers to share my journey so I didn't feel so alone."

This is another part of your journey, and now more than ever it's important that you don't feel alone.

So keep writing.

We'll keep reading.

Bella Mia said...

I'm new to your blog...but I'd like to say that unless one grieves whatever needs to be grieved, one cannot be born into the new whoever one is to become...grief is a huge part of growing into a more loving, compassionate human being. I appreciate your sharing your process toward wholeness/holiness...you are not along...with love, Sheila

Anonymous said...

You need to write and I feel connected reading your words. Grieving is a process that you can't go around but must work through. Your loss has been more than just your dad, but who you saw yourself as.
We don't chat on the phone and I rarely write a note, but I love reading your blog and hearing your thoughts.
One of the most precious things we have in life is the people in our lives.
Take care Mary and do what feels right for you. cp

red ticking said...

i have just found you... and i know God has sent me here .... i just read your profile how you care for your father then have learned by reading on that you have lost him. my heart breaks for you and your family as i am soooo close to my parents and know the day will come... and dont know what i will do. w have lost several friends and loved ones (6 this past year) and i have really struggled so a big hug to you and loads of prayers coming your way...your precious father is in heaven with our loving FATHER and now THEY will watch over you... xoxoxo pam

red ticking said...

i have just found you... and i know God has sent me here .... i just read your profile how you care for your father then have learned by reading on that you have lost him. my heart breaks for you and your family as i am soooo close to my parents and know the day will come... and dont know what i will do. w have lost several friends and loved ones (6 this past year) and i have really struggled so a big hug to you and loads of prayers coming your way...your precious father is in heaven with our loving FATHER and now THEY will watch over you... xoxoxo pam