Thursday, July 14, 2011

What If?

"Sometimes it's good to sit with something -
to let it sink in and process before we respond.
But unfortunately what we women tend to do
is let it sink in and process it until we marginalize it -
to deflate the emotions around it and
to deflect the impact of it on us until
we are saying to ourselves and others,
"it wasn't that bad" when in truth (our truth) it was."
Queen Dani

I come from a line of "deep" thinkers. Problem is they are also quick shooters, who often spew out a snide retort or hurtful opinion before they've given themselves time ponder. I am not above scoffing. I might have been at the dock when Columbus pulled up the anchor chortling with the other naysayers, or, more likely, shaking my head and wringing my hands in fear. When it comes to new ideas I usually do one of two things. Jump on it - as in, "Yes, let's do it now as in N-O-W or think on it til the mood passes.

I fell for Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman when she declared she was a "fly by the seat of her pants kind of girl." The thing is not all of my quick decisions have been good ones and I've got enough of my Dad's blood running through my veins to hold back the Hoover Dam of spontaneity. If there is not someone (a co-conspirator?) standing by to validate my quick thinking and I begin to ruminate, an idea that could discover new territories is lost to what if's and fear. With enough time in my doubt-filled mind an exciting, intriguing, and a tad bit scary (with a little "s") idea is, to use Dani's word, "marginalized" and deflated to the point of nonsensical thinking that then floats from my consciousness on the slightest breeze.

I'm in the process of re-inventing myself. It's not easy (why are strains of "I never promised you a rose garden?" running through my mind's play list?). The yin and yang of my thought processes are taking me on a bit of a roller coaster ride. One minute I'm feeling sad and scared and the next I'm caught up in a frenzy of ideas. (Okay, I realize this could be a symptom of spending way too much time in Hobby Lobby). I see myself as a red balloon on a long string. The string is secured to something (the past? my house?) but I'm at the other end floating willy nilly in the breeze. I'm caught between wanting to be reeled in and let go to see where I might end up. To be honest, neither option feels quite right. And since I can't wrap my "emotions" around them, I retreat to my left brain, i.e. Daddy's, way of thinking.

Woohoo! I'm free. What's next?

Let's get practical. Where's the money going to come from? Who will walk the dog?

Follow your dreams. If not now, when?

Who are you kidding? You're way to afraid to step out in complete fantasy and trust.

Let faith be your guide.

Yeh, right, Look what happened to Moses. He ended up in the desert for 40 years. I don't have 40 years.

Just do it!

Maybe next year. I think I'd like to take a nap.

Wanting to change the color on my walls, or have a chair reupholstered or buy steak from a traveling salesman (Note to self: this isn't such a great idea) is one thing. There's not a lot that can happen if the idea is not a good one except some ridicule, wrinkled up noses and a few bucks down the drain. Ahhh, but what about teaching a class on caregiving, or traveling around the country in a motorhome, footloose and fancy free, while others are schlepping back and forth to work every day, if they are lucky enough to have a job, puts a whole new spin on impractical, irresponsible and what the hell are you thinking?

The balloon tugs at the string and longs for the security it provides at the same time. I long for freedom, to run and play and "just be ME" but, to be honest, I have no idea what that means, or how it feels. I feel protected and safe by the security of what I have right here and now.

Three of my favorite people sat me down yesterday and challenged me. Poo-pooed every argument I threw at them. Filled with their vision for me, I let my guard down. What if, I asked myself all afternoon.

Well, I don't know the answer to that question. I don't know which voice will win out - the yin or the yang. I do know, however, that neither is right and neither is wrong. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I'll be okay. She said with a confidence whose cement has not yet dried.

Today I'm grateful for friends who share the gift of dreams. Who empower others by living their own dreams and showing us how it can be done.

I'm grateful for the Queen whose gentle guidance opens my eyes.

I'm grateful for a Sweetie who keeps hold of the string so I don't fly too far away.

Wishing for you dreams that will carry you to new places, and a favorite place to come back to.
Merry ME

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think I can envision Life rounding the corner of Noble Circle So. I think you can welcome her, she'll be gentle, I'm sure. ld