Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I'm Back!

So I successfully made it to the end of NaBloPoMo and then dropped out of site. What's up with that? I've gotta say I'm not really sure, but I suspect it has to do with feeling so sad.

At the risk of getting started on another chapter from my grief saga, which is not the stuff holiday cheer is made of, I'll just say I think my sadness is coming from both sides - both my little girl feeling and I are feeling kind of blue in a world that has gone crazy with red and green. No big surprise there. It is to be expected. I knew it was coming but not sure there is a way to prepare for it. Like ocean waves the emotions come rolling in, sometimes small and easy to jump through; sometimes so rough that you are knocked off balance and go tumbling in the surf. I want to "feel" my emotions, or at least give them a voice and not stuff them somewhere below my liver. I tell myself it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. At the same time I don't want to give the emotions free rein so that I'm just a big ball of snotty tissues. I've wondered if I gave into the tears and really let them go, instead of just letting them quietly without drama roll down my face, would I finally, once and for all cry myself out? And once done, would I have the energy to feel festive and fa la la la la -ish? I know from past experience Christmas is going to come whether I'm happy or sad and it's always more fun if I'm on the happy side of the scale.

Last week I had an incredible and very productive EMDR session with my therapist. I can't tell you how this works. In fact I asked her if it's really just "woowoo" or something the Wizard of Oz would prescribe. Evidence is showing that this type of therapy really works (it's used a lot for PTSD) and has a long-lasting effect. I'm using it to connect with Little ME. And, woowoo or not, I go in feeling sad and come out feeling exhausted but calmer and more connected. I've found that it sometimes takes a couple of days to rest back up. I think I can compare an hour's session of EMDR to running an emotional marathon, but maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.

A couple other woowoo things have happened since then. I don't know whether to chalk it up to angels, Christmas elves, or nothing more than happenstance. If you look at it from a spiritual perspective which is the way I like to look at it, Christmas itself is nothing but woowoo. Magic really. The Divine Gift Giver handing down the a big gift in a tiny little rag-wrapped package. So I shouldn't be surprised that there is magic in the air.

I get emails from the Brave Girls' Club. On many occasions, but not always, the letter feels like it was written just for me. Like this one today:

Endings are followed by new beginnings. How true is that? And I know that which makes the sadness seem out of place. Like I told my friend Pam today, I feel like I'm in between the closed door of the past and the open window of the future and I'm surrounded by fog. One day the mist will rise, the sun will burn away the fog (sadness) and I will be able to see more clearly the window(s) that are not only open but beckoning me. Like woowoo and Christmas magic, it will happen. Until then, it is my job to connect with Reindeer Girl (see sidebar), help her to know she/we are not alone, we have each other, that I will hold her hand when she's scared, rub her back when she's anxious, hand her a Kleenex when she cries, clap for her when she sings, and when all else fails make her cookies.

Today I'm grateful for a blog to come home to. I'm grateful for gifts from the Universe.

Wishing for you holiday moments in the presence of children - yours or someone else's.
Merry ME

* a little bird told me ... your daily truth from the Brave Girls Club


Chara Curtis said...

Living in a land of official optimism and superficial smiles, I find rays of hope in many places. I recently stumbled on a TED talk by Kathryn Shultz, a journalist and self-named "wrongologist". She seems to freely zig among zaggers. Her works open doors to authenticity. If you'd like, you can see more about her here: http://www.ted.com/speakers/kathryn_schulz.html.

In her, I see one of today's young voices crying out for, insisting upon, freedom. Not freedom granted in the mired, political arena, but freedom claimed by virtue of being human in humanity. She approaches this with reason and humor -- humor that, rather than begging a smile, affords time for reflection, acknowledgement, and a release in which nothing is tossed away.

Fire Byrd said...

EMDR rocks, glad your finding it useful.You'll get there wherever it is. The journey is always possible when we are sad, and never when we're happy as then we want to stand still and hold onto happy. But we learn more when we keep travelling.

Square-Peg Karen said...

Merry ME (I feel like I should type Merry YOU, y'know?) - Dancer is SO cute - I've got the biggest smile from looking at her! So glad you included that pic.

As one of your readers I honor your "grief saga" - you might not feel that it's the "stuff holiday cheer is made of", but a lot of could probably say: it's the stuff LIFE is made of.

Not just grief, there's wonderful, smiley stuff too - like pictures of little girl reindeer - and giggles about all kinds of things, but grief (loss, sadness - the whole deal) is in there too. And I'm so glad you share all aspects of life here!!

Yea for EMDR, I trained in it and used it often when I was a practicing psychotherapist - love, love, love how it gets behind words, behind our blinders.

Sending you a virtual holiday hug - and asking that you give Reindeer Girl an extra hug today! Thanks for writing from the heart!!

p.s. NaBloPoMo is something I've never heard of - going to have to check it out!

p.p.s. great description of the way emotions can hit us - as "ocean waves".

Laura Paine Carr said...

Ah, Merry Me! Where on earth did November go? Now I have such a backlog of reading to do! But, I kind of like this state of affairs.


There seems to be so much to learn on a moment-to-moment basis ((sigh)). Life is here for the living, the doing, and the be-ing. Feeling is in each of these realms.

A bumper sticker I like to remember: Do Not Believe Everything You Think. Like that the feelings have a value-number/status. Sad is. Anger is. Happy is.

Of course you have permission to remind me of these words (daily!).