Friday, December 30, 2011

Looking Back/Looking Ahead Part 3

Last night I decided my word for the new year would be:
It just sort of came to me a few days ago and I've been ruminating on it for awhile. To make sure it was the word that would best fulfill my intentions for the new year, I looked it up in the dictionary defined focus in several ways - most having to do with light and lenses and refraction which I confess, I am not so sure what they means. One definition is even associated with Geometry which is for sure not my intention. Another with geology - the point of origin of an earthquake.

While my intention for the new year is to see things more clearly, and perhaps that could lead to an earthquake of new ideas and creativity, the definition that speaks most to me is the verb form: "to concentrate, i.e. to focus one's thoughts." Yup, that's what I want to do in 2012. I want to concentrate more on things that are right in front of me. I want to focus on where I lay my glasses down. I want to focus on eating less and traveling more. I want to focus on finding ME, while at the same time, focus on others.

This is not a startling epiphany, and maybe I've said it in 100 different ways since that fateful day, but it came unbidden into my mind as I walked the dog this morning. It appeared to be in sharp focus. When my father died, parts of me died too. This whole year I've mourned the loss of the man who shaped me, the way I think, and how I act, as if the Divine Sculptor handed him some clay the day I was born and said, "here, go to work." Now I'm not giving all the credit for who I am to my father. DNA, nature vs nurture, outside influences, my soul peeking through and my reflexive/rebellious proclivities all added to the composite which is ME. However, for most of my life, who I believe I am, because of or in spite of, has been seen through the lens of my father's desires and opinions. With that lens gone, I've had a hard time seeing myself. Who am I is a question I've asked myself several time this year. No wonder Little ME feels scared and alone. Physically and emotionally I feel lost. Yet, coincidentally, I also feel closer to a higher power. Perhaps with the clouded over lens removed, I'll be able to see the true essence of the girl Spirit meant to be.

As I continued reading the definition of "focus" I found synonyms listed interesting as well - center, core and heart. When I looked up the definition of core I was amazed to find this: " the inward nature, true substance or constitution of anything, as opposed to what is accidental, phenomenal illusory. And for heart: " the center of the total personality especially with reference to intuition, feeling, emotion." Its synonym is "essence."

So in the days, weeks and months ahead of me, as I intentionally lay the mantle of grief aside, I hope to see ME more clearly by concentrating on my core, my heart and my essence. With that thought in mind I went to bed and had all sorts of weird dreams where my father figured prominently. My father and moving furniture!

The first email in my inbox that did not have to do with advertising or sales contained this quote from the Daily Love:
"Where focus goes, energy flows. And if you don't take time to focus on what matters, then you're living a life of someone else's design."
Tony Robbins, peak performance coach, entrepreneur and best-selling author.
Another coincidence? You decide.

Today I'm grateful for the willingness to join dots together to get a clearer picture of how I want to live my life.

May you be blessed with vision and heart.
Merry ME

1 comment:

jeanne hewell-chambers said...

in graduate school, i called this my f-word, but you make it sound so deliciously desirable. so inviting. and that email? i call that the period that seals the deal.