I had a heart-breaking, come to Jesus conversation last night, that left both parties feeling kind of raw. The kind where my sadness and anger get all topsy-turvy and I get all dizzy trying to listen, talk, and feel at the same time. Have you ever been swimming in the ocean and been blindsided by a gigantic wave you weren't expecting. Before you know it you're caught up in the roiling see, praying for a foothold so you can get your head above water and take a breath. That's kind of how I was feeling last night.
I realized that somewhere in the conversation I started to shut down. That's what I've always done when conflict comes knocking. Turn everything off and retreat. The difference this time, is I watched myself. From somewhere in the back of my head came some words I'd heard several times during the week. This isn't your problem. It's belongs to someone else.
Then I had another realization. For as long as I can remember, a difference of opinion meant only one thing. The other person was right. IN order to keep the peace (avoid conflict) I
While it didn't feel great at the time, after some down time, I figured out I didn't feel as bad as I thought I might. Oh sure, there's a part of me that waits for the other shoe to fall. That's another thing I want to work on. Living in the moment instead of waiting and worrying.
It's all new behavior for me. I hope when I go home tonight and walk in the back door, I'll feel the same peace. Not scared. Not worried. Not anxious about a confrontation.
Awareness is the first step to change.