Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Progress?

I thought I'd come home from the mountains all rested and ready to write, write, write. If not the great American novel, at least a daily blog post. I spent most of Sat. trying to fit back in and reclaim my space. I sat in my chair all afternoon working on my final recap of the trip. Here it Tuesday afternoon and I haven't come near the keyboard.

I had a heart-breaking, come to Jesus conversation last night, that left both parties feeling kind of raw. The kind where my sadness and anger get all topsy-turvy and I get all dizzy trying to listen, talk, and feel at the same time. Have you ever been swimming in the ocean and been blindsided by a gigantic wave you weren't expecting. Before you know it you're caught up in the roiling see, praying for a foothold so you can get your head above water and take a breath. That's kind of how I was feeling last night.

I realized that somewhere in the conversation I started to shut down. That's what I've always done when conflict comes knocking.  Turn everything off and retreat. The difference this time, is I watched myself. From somewhere in the back of my head came some words I'd heard several times during the week. This isn't your problem. It's belongs to someone else.

Then I had another realization. For as long as I can remember, a difference of opinion meant only one thing. The other person was right. IN order to keep the peace (avoid conflict) I had to acquiesce acquiesced. Giving up and giving in was always easier. (Not counting the years of depression it caused.) So while I wanted to runaway, and/or say something along the lines of "you're right. I'll do it your way" those behaviors didn't work for me.

While it didn't feel great at the time, after some down time, I figured out I didn't feel as bad as I thought I might. Oh sure, there's a part of me that waits for the other shoe to fall. That's another thing I want to work on. Living in the moment instead of waiting and worrying.

It's all new behavior for me. I hope when I go home tonight and walk in the back door, I'll feel the same peace. Not scared. Not worried. Not anxious about a confrontation.

Awareness is the first step to change.
Merry ME

3 comments:

Jody said...

Awareness is indeed the first step to change, and I am so proud of you for being able to clearly identify your feelings, know that it wasn't YOUR issue, and see what you used to do, why you used to believe that way, and how you choose to see things now , which is far more effective for you:)
Bravo, M! You passed one of the Universe's tests! These are the milestones of positive self-created change that nobody can take away from you, ever:)

((HUGS))

Molly said...

(((Hug))) Isn't it amazing that the places that are the most scary are the places we have to go alone? You are enough.

You are enough.

You are enough.

MamaJoe said...

Oohhh, how hard. I have been blind sided, but how eye opening to be able to see what was happening outside of yourself. Good growth moment! Here's to moments of knowing your worth and knowing you are perfect just where you are!