Can you hear me now?

Self`-in*dul"gent,

a. Indulging one's appetites, desires, etc., freely *

I just read Fyrebird's blog for today. Actually it wasn't an actual post. It was more of a note to say that she'd deleted the post because it was "self-indulgent twaddle." I've decided to say a few things about that PLUS add my own bit of self indulgence. Hopefully I'll make a case that indulging one's self isn't all that bad.

Dictionary.com had a couple other definitions of "self-indulgent" but I chose the one above because it did not include descriptive words like excessive or without restraint. I think it's these adjectives that give self-indulgence a bad rap.

I've been co-dependent for as long as I can remember. That's psychobabble for carrying about others more than yourself. I've always considered being a mom and being co-dependent to be the same thing. When you're a mom you learn real quickly that someone else's needs and desires come before your own. After awhile you get into that mindset. It becomes a natural state of affairs to put your own needs on the back burner and forget to turn the stove on!

Recovering from co-dependency is a gradual process of getting re-acquainted with yourself; finding out, perhaps for the first time in years, about your own likes and dislikes, becoming assertive and setting boundaries. In other words learning to indulge your own ideas instead of someone else's.

In my experience stepping up to the Merry ME plate included some self-indulgence. And, yes, I'm sure I have at times been excessive in that respect. Hopefully with practice I've been able to come to a place of balance. Not when it comes to things like triple-layered mousse-filled Godiva chocolate cake covered in ganache or and extra hour or two in a darkened room with a quilt pulled up to my nose, but mostly I try to indulge myself when I think I need it! I suppose that is subjective isn't it!

I don't know what Bryd's twaddle was about. Only she can rightly determine if it was self-indulgent or not. That's the beauty of the delete key - one strike and it's gone like it never even happened. Unless, of course, you tell everybody what you just did! I'm pretty sure Bryd knows her blogging friends are accepting of her whether she twaddles or not.

A slight change of subject but self-indulgent nonetheless.

I don't recall what blog road I took to get there but An Aerial Armadillo has become one of the blogs I love to browse. Today, for instance, there was a whole list of suggested reading material along with the question: Are you secretly seduced by the cover of a book…..….or is it the title that whispers suggestively to you? I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to have to take myself to Barnes & Noble and do a little experiment. Cover or title? Title or cover? I'm not sure how I pick a book. If you are interested I suggest you visit the blog, check out her book list and leave a comment. Personally I'm pretty intrigued by a book called Pigs in Heaven.

While you are there take a look at her side bar. She's got a lot going on there. What intrigues me most is the number of blog awards she has accrued. It got me to thinking where do blog awards come from? Who gives them? What criteria do they use? And, rather self-indulgently, I ask myself why don't I have any? Can you hear little Merry whining, feeling sorry for herself and neglected? The fact that perhaps I haven't done anything to deserve an award is far from my whiny rampage.

Before you stop reading because you want to smack me, let me acknowledge that in the time I've been blogging, I have received an award - a great award. An "I love your blog" award. Terri St. Cloud passed it on to me back in November 2008. I managed to lose it for awhile which I hope doesn't make Terri think I don't care. But it also begs the question is there blog award etiquette - like how long do you leave an award on your blog which in essence toots your own horn? More self-indulgence or pride of ownership?

I know I sound like a big baby but I feel a little jealous of the Aerial Armadillo. I also don't feel too deserving of such awards. It's kind of like wanting a hug but feeling the hugger should know to hug you without you having to ask for it. A hug, or a kiss, or an award is not quite the same if you have to ask for it. Is it?

Waa ... waa ... waa...

The cool thing, and I mean really cool, is that in just one week two blog buddies have published post on their blogs "For Merry ME." After all is said and done, and I've bellyached til I'm blue in the face, I have to say these bloggers made me feel like a queen, like I matter.

Hmmm, I say to myself (who may or may not be listening) does this suggest that the only way I feel like I matter is if someone acknowledges me in some noticeable way, i.e. an award? What happened to looking in the mirror (or my blog) and saying to myself, "Damn, Merry Me, you're doing a fine job. I'm proud of you." Is that self-indulgent or self-caring?

I don't toot my own blog horn much. But Sweetie does. He's all the time telling people about my blog and inviting them to read what I have to say. It's pretty clear I matter to him. I don't use my blog as a way to raise money for worthy causes, though I am proud of those who do, and I try to help them out with money, prayers and kind words. I hope other people know how much they matter to me, even if I never ever see them.

I think I've come full circle. For me the blogosphere is a world where people connect. Not so much as in the days of yore when flowery letters were the communication choice of the day. If friends want to engage in self-indulgent twaddle, so be it. If other people get or give awards for doing what they do, so be it. Mainly I'm testing my writing wings. I'm giving myself a place to lay my words out there for whoever drops by. It seems a little self-indulgent, but it's also kind of, sort of, just maybe, fulfilling a deep need I have to have a voice and be heard.


All puffed up and nowhere to go,
Merry ME

P.S. My new motto: If you don't get an award, give one. I'm going to start thinking about my own award to give out. Probably I'll start with me!!!!!

*self-indulgent. (n.d.). Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary. Retrieved July 07, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/self-indulgent