Thursday, April 22, 2010

Oh Woe is ME!

"You are at this moment,
standing in the middle of your own 'acres of diamonds.'"
Earl Nightingale


No, actually, I am not. I'm sitting in the dinette area, staring at my computer knowing there are several things I should be doing as the clock moves into the one o'clock hour. Let's see, there is emptying Dad's commode, starting a load of laundry, vacuuming up the birdseed that continues to fall like Icelandic volcanic ash, and re-write some stories for my writing group. In other words move a little.

Trouble is I feel weighted down with thoughts. Thoughts that are zinging through my mind like one of those little silver balls in a pin ball machine. Can you hear them whizzing by the bells .. cling, clang ... coming down into the homestretch only to be shot back up to bells and whistles by the little batty things (Dang, what are they called? the bells are getting to me!). As soon as one thought falls into the point-of-no-return-hole another is shot back into the fray.

Yesterday I took a Merry Me day. Actually it was a Merry Me half day. Getting away with no cares except my list of things to do for ME was thrilling. I started off at writing group. Just sitting at that table of creative wordsmiths makes me feel like I've got something more to say. No matter that I have not written a story, essay, creative non-fiction piece, or memoir since the beginning of the year. This blog is my creative outlet and usually enough of a stretch to keep my writing muscles needing an ice pack. Still, I'd like to have the discipline to re-write the stories I've already composed. And I'd like to write more.

Trouble is, writing is work. Writing takes time. Writing isn't going to get the refrigerator cleaned or the bills paid. Or is it? Members of my group are actually published authors with books on Amazon. Others have been published in on-line e-zines, printed anthologies and magazines. The group facilitator says each of us is good enough to be published and get paid for it. Okay, so my bills will far surpass my ability to turn out manuscripts, but the point is just having one story published would be cool. So what's the problem?

Maybe it has to do with Mercury and Pluto being in reverse. Or maybe it is my Dad's fault (these days it is pretty easy to blame most anything on my Dad). Or could it be that even though I get rave reviews/comments from my blog buddies and my Sweetie and my "cards" are full of the #3 which "is the number of youthful exuberance. It's highly radiant, creative, outgoing, and usually symbolizes positive opportunity for happiness " the negative energy of 7 of spades is getting in my way, causing me to self-sabotage and crave flight.

Flight from what? The things I want to do? Like to do? Need to do?

What is it about having the freedom and time to pick out a new pair of glasses, then strolling around the Walmart garden center because it was there and I wasn't on a schedule, that lifted my spirits? And what was it about crossing the threshold to the back door and turned me right back into uptight, why-wasn't-it-done-me-way or you-mean-you-got-along-just-fine-without-me self?

And why have I just spent an hour whining about one thing when I'm really just put out and embarrassed at how my Dad talked to the man (kid) at the garage. Why don't I just give myself a swift kick in the butt and get moving. If there are things to do, do them. If there are things to write, write them. If there are diamonds to find, find them. None of it is going to happen as long as I sit here covered in bird seed and whine.

Wishing for you acres of diamonds,
Merry ME

* Acres of Diamonds story go to http://rhenion.com/acres_of_diamonds.htm

5 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

You may be suffering from a reactive depression as a result of all that is gone on recently. I suggest that instead of worrying about what you should write that you write a letter to your Dad, that you most definately don't give him, telling him exactly what you think. it's a greatway to clear the decks of pent up feelings and no-one but you knows what you've said.
xx

terri said...

ohhh i really like what fire byrd said! you've been thru a lot, woman. you respond well to a break for yourself...that should tell you how much you need it! be gentle with yourself...and maybe let some of the struggle out like fire byrd suggested......

Pamela Jones said...

Wht they said, Merry! What they said! It seems that it only takes a simple little thing like a walk through Walmart to make the world good. Might be interesting to set an alarm for Merry time when you're at HOME and then set a timer for (oh...think big, here...fifteen minutes?) and let everything wait until it rings. Have some awesome stuff you can do in fifteen minutes waiting for your breaks. THEN clean up the volcanic seed!

AkasaWolfSong said...

I agree with everyone here, lol!

And it is alright to have a whiny day now and then Mary...I mean gee whiz...we can't stand in warrior woman mode all of the time! Sometimes we have to take off the armour that is so heavy to carry around and breathe!

I love you Girl! Go get 'em!

Molly said...

Have you ever heard of Kathleen Norris? She's a poet who wrote a series of books about her trip back to faith. Anyway, I googled her recently after I started re-reading her book Amazing Grace and found a pbs piece where she talked about learning that taking care of her mother was the best thing she could be doing at that moment. It meant she went 10 years or so between books. I bet you can identify with that because of what you have committed to. She had no great answers only that comment.

And the others are offering some great advice...I may just take it myself.