Embrace The Suck

Today was "recital" day. My friend Mary says recital are for little girls. But I don't know what else to call my writing group's  end of the year gala. I guess gala would work! 2 days ago I didn't think I was going to make it.  I'd written and rewritten my story and just couldn't get it right. Not to mention short enough to fit into a 5 minute time frame.  Yesterday, I woke up with an idea made it work. Then I had to read it and read it and read it - changing a word here and a phrase there right up til 5 minutes before I left this morning. My smart daughter gave me a pep talk last night. Don't be a Rigid Reggie, she said.  My new mantra! Once at the venue, I got a little crazed, not about the story, but about the seating arrangements. Talk about transference. All my anxiety became irritability when it became clear there were not enough seats. And for some reason people were asking me what to do. Carol kept telling me everything would be okay. A...

Today I noticed how anxious I get when I don't have a handle on what I'm going to read/say in public. I noticed when I'm anxious my first reaction is to buy something, then cry. Or maybe it's the other way around. I've told this story (for my recital) a kazillion times, in a kazillion ways, wondering why it's not so problematic.  It's supposed to be funny (tho I don't recall the original happening funny).  Right now it's got some funny parts, mostly it's pitiful. Where or where is my inner Erma Bombeck? What do you do when you get anxious? Merry ME

Today I noticed things about the rehab place where Mary has been a patient for 2 weeks. For a few minutes I considered calling the local TV guy you call when you have a problem - like if you call a plumber and he floods your kitchen, then skips town with your $$$ and leaves you up to your ankles in water. I just didn't have a good feeling about anything. Mostly I was concerned that Mary wasn't getting the care she needed with bathroom issues. And then I learned she's had sponge baths but no shower since she's been in the place. Oh I know there's no way she could stand in a shower, but now that they can get her out of bed, surely there is a way to wheel patients into the shower.  And if ever there was a day she needed a shower, it was today.  If they'd let me, I'd give do it. But just when I was about to lose my cool, this tired, stressed, but still trying to keep it together CNA came in to clean Mary up. Oh god, what if that was your job day in and day o...

Today I noticed that I didn't have that stabbing pain in my chest when I went to visit the cemetery.  I noticed the blue the sky, the white and puffy the clouds, and the soft, yet scratchy the grass. Any other place it would have been perfect for a picnic.  I also noticed the people. There are the standers, the kneelers, and the sitters.  I'm a sitter.  I noticed two men, like me, who might have been remembering a buddy. And an older man, head bowed, who might have been spending time with a partner that died before he did.   Sweetie and I watched the PBS Memorial Day special last night. At one point I wondered why we tortured ourselves with the sadness of it all. The pictures, the letters, the music. I told myself I watched out of respect and gratitude. A small sacrifice of time and tears. I noticed, as the camera panned the audience, how old men, who were probably just boys when they learned how to be soldiers, or sailors, or Marines, could ...

I was in the far right lane, stopped in a  line of traffic. Couldn't help but notice when I looked at the truck next to me that there was a smiley face on the window. Not an ordinary smiley face. In fact I wonder if it was meant to be that at all. You know how when your dog sits in the passenger seat and sticks it's nose on the window for a closer look outside and it leaves little round smudges.  Well, right in the middle of those smudges was the smiley face - two circle (smudges) eyes and a line mouth.  I really don't think a dog could make a smiley face so maybe it wasn't nose prints at all, but little kid pb&j fingers. Anyway, it caught my eye and made me smile. I meant to say this yesterday but got carried away writing the world's longest run-on sentence. I've noticed how much I love comments on my blog. Thanks to all you faithful followers and commenters. And thanks to the peepers who come visit. I hope you like what you read and will come b...

Today on the way to work, I noticed a billboard that said: Congratulations Steve for becoming a U.S. citizen today. Steve's citizenship is reminder to me that even with all the negative stories we hear on the news; an economy that still kind of sucks even if the numbers say different; too many people and not enough houses, or schools, or jobs to go around; acts of nature; acts of terrorism; and way too much attention (my opinion) paid to Lindsey Lohan and Kim Kardashian when the real celebrities are the people who respond first in a major catastrophe and the ones who stand on the front line of defense; and the ones who lead their students into a bathroom or closet so they can be safe; and moms and dads who do their best even if their best isn't always that great; and the teenagers who see really scary stuff every single day; and people who rescue abandoned dogs and cats and oil-covered sea birds and seal pups and beached whales;  and daycare workers and nursing home work...

Today two different noticing s have really caught my attention. Right now I can't see a connection. Maybe more will be revealed as I go through the day. First, everywhere I've turned today I've heard the phrase, "tell your story" in some form or another. I really feel this has become my new mantra. Well, not new, exactly, but up there in the front of my consciousness. Terri wrote about Story Corps on her blog. Alana's interviews are basically about people sharing their grief/loss stories. And I saw a video about a B-29 flyover at the funeral of a WWII navigator. How his time in the military had played such an important roll in his life, and that of his children, grands and great-grands. It reminded me of a man from church who passed away last month. I'd known him for several years, though not really known him at all til I looked at pictures of his life a couple weeks before he passed away.  He too had been a pilot in WWII. Most of the people I know lik...

Today didn't start off so good. My alarm rang, I turned it off and fell promptly back to sleep. An hour later Sweetie woke me up with a reminder that I had writing group. I was deep into one of those creepy dreams that hangs on, and even when you wake up it seems there is still creepy all around. Since I was late anyway I made a quick stop at the bank before going to my meeting. An older lady,  all in white from her hair to her shoes and I walked through the door at the same time. Then, after our business was completed walked out at the same time.  On the way in I'd kind of noticed her black bag. Mainly I noticed the butterflies on the bag. Going out, I got a better look. Made of nice black leather, worn to a soft touch, the butterflies were appliqued on, and studded with beads and sequins. It really was stunning. What made it even nicer was the fact that the lady bought it at the Goodwill where it was priced at 4 dollars. When she pointed out the zipper was broken, the pric...

Last Friday when Sweetie and I were on our way to the hospital to welcome his newest granddaughter into the world, we drove along 8th street, not one of the nicest in town. I was pretty excited and focused on the idea of babies and new life and how God can weave tremendous blessings into an otherwise ordinary day, so I wasn't paying much attention to our surroundings. When we stopped for a red light, I looked out the window and noticed, a tree next to the sidewalk.  Someone had planted some flowers at the base of the tree. The yellow blooms stood out among the beer bottles, and other litter lying lifeless in the gutter.  A little further down the road, I noticed one of the old Victorian homes of the neighborhood had been painted half yellow and half purple. And after that I noticed a huge metal horse sculpture in front of a house that had been converted into an art museum. It's not every day you see a larger than life silver horse in someone's yard. That's when I real...

Jazzymouse is the winner of my quilt giveaway.  Thanks so much to everyone who participated.  According to the SWIF Facebook page  " Mitchell and his dog, Iroquois, won't have to 'live out of a shopping cart' any longer  thanks to you r help. Mitchell has a place to live now.  Our friend has his own small one room place to call home." Back in April I wrote about sending a surprise to someone. Here's the rest of the story. My friend Terri St. Cloud shared with her followers on FB about her friend Sue who's been really, really sick. The kind of sick that makes you jump at anything that might help, even clinical trials of new medications.  The bad news, she was feeling pretty icky for awhile. So Terri had the idea of picturing Sue full of stars instead of alien germs. People from all over started picturing Sue full of stars. They prayed star-filled prayers, and wished upon stars til the wishes almost outnumbered the stars. The good ...

(Love is where you find it. A heart-spot left on the driveway from the sprinklers.) When I walked into Mary's room today she was sitting up. A far better sight than when I left last night. She was still somewhat confused. Trying to make sense of her crazy drug-induced dreams from the last two days. Hard to decide what happened and what didn't. When she told me one of the sweetest men in the whole world (besides my own personal Sweetie) looked at her with pure hate in his eyes, I knew she was talking about a dream, and I could unequivocally tell her so. I'm pretty sure the two nurses who made her stand in the parking lot were dreams also. When I talked of her being moved to rehab she asked me several times if they were sending her there to die. I told her no, just to regain her strength. How sure are you she countered? 98.76% I told her. No one ever knows 100%, right? Well, she said, that's pretty good. Then she flashed me the toothless grin that I've come...

Whoa! Life got away from me for awhile. Seems like when I'm not going full-tilt, I'm asleep. Probably doing too much of both. In the past few days I noticed how quickly things can change. I took my friend Mary to her doctor on Monday afternoon for a physical. Then we did ran a few errands and I left her sitting at her table writing a check to her yard man. At midnight I got a call from the ER that she was being admitted to the hospital with a possible hip fracture. In situations like that my body responds like I've just chugged a double shot of expresso. I noticed a real difference in how fast I wanted to go and how methodical (sane) Sweetie wanted to be. I wanted to speed to the hospital, run red lights and swoop into the Mary's room like only her Angel Girl could. Sweetie wanted to follow all road signs, stop at Mary's son's house, pound on the door and wait for him to answer.  All of which could have been avoided if he'd left his cell phone on. It...

The quilt and doll I made for Sweetie's granddaughter,  Ayslin Marie, who should arrive any time now.

I noticed today how active Baby Bella has grown in the few day since I last saw her. She kicks her feet, rolls over, grabs shiny objects, makes new noises that sound like a cross between a scream and a laugh, and is beginning to laugh at all my jokes. I think I've fallen in love. I noticed Panera Tea makes me feel all jittery inside. Goodbye caffeine. Hello decaf. I noticed I'm kind of weepy. Think there's another layer of onion about to be peeled off and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I noticed how awful I felt for smacking the dog. Before you go calling the Humane Society on me, I reacted in self-defense. She saw a cat across the street, took off after it, with my arm at the end of her leash which basically means my shoulder was yanked forward until the rest of my body could catch up which happened to be when Maizey (John's dog) decided she wanted to join the chase and wrapped herself leash around Suzi's leash. There was a moment there wh...

Today I noticed how quickly my elder friend tired out. To be honest she looked pooped before we ever left the house. One dental appointment, and a stop to get a watch battery just about did her in. We stopped at Popeye's for some fried chicken and I suspect she'll fall into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. She's losing weight too. I worry. I have an arthritic thumb that is giving me fits from cutting and sewing. I knocked it this morning and when I said "ow" Mary told me what her father used to tell her. "Don't cry, Pie. It'll feel so much better when it stops hurting."  A far cry from what my father used to say, "let's cut it off and let it drip in a bucket." Funny how things come back to you when you least expect it. My father's birthday is coming up. And Mother's Day.  Wish I could take my pillow and blankie and lie down next to their headstone. The National Cemetery is pretty picky about what is left on th...

Tonight I notice the sense of satisfaction when completing  the top of a quilt. I also notice the pain in my back from leaning over the sewing machine all a day. A little more stitching, then off to the quilter. My other muse wants me to get back to writing. What have you finished lately? Merry ME

Anyone who knows me, knows I can cry when I'm sad, or when I'm happy, or when I'm man (especially when I'm mad),when good things happen or bad things happen and when the Holy Spirit washes over me. Show me something sweet and I'll tear up. Show me something icky and I'll fill a bucket with big, bold tears. I'm no longer shy about crying. It's just the way I'm wired. Yesterday I noticed , other people crying. My friend, Mary, got weepy when talking to me about "elder care." She asked me to be with her when "her time comes" to shut her eyes.  She told me about the vision of Jesus her mother had just before dying. "I hope I have that," said Mary, tears running down her face. Even though I feel a little like Andrew in Touched by an Angel, I don't have that much experience with people passing over. Still I am pretty sure that each of us has a "knowing" when it's our time to return home. I have nothing...