Monday, April 19, 2010

Thinking Out Loud

"To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary.

Like all judgement, approval encourages a constant striving.
It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value.
Approval cannot be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time
no matter what our track record has been.
It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy.
Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it."
Rachel Naomi Remen

Sweetie has an office at home, and spends a good deal of time in there with the door closed. Behind the door it is a bit like another world. It's neat and quiet (unless the windows are open and the birds are singing). Sweetie has surrounded himself with pictures, sayings, reminder notes and books. It used to bother me that he had an inner sanctum and I had the rest of the house. In other words he has solitude and I have dogs barking, Dad buzzing around on his GoGo, bumping into walls as he goes, the TV set on Country Classics, the phone ringing and clutter. Sure, it's my own clutter, but clutter nonetheless. I was jealous that Sweetie had a place to go. Poor Me I was stuck on the outside.

Then one day, when the noise and fussing got to great for me to stand, I opened the door, stepped across the threshold and melted into the sanctuary. Instead of falling on my knees in an attitude of prayer, I stood with my back to the door, eyes straight ahead looking at the man I know I can trust who had already turned his head from the computer to give me his undivided attention. I let myself take a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Sweetie waited, patiently and quietly, for me to explain. I did, he listened, I calmed down, and found I was able to go back to my world a little less ruffled. I stopped being jealous of the sanctuary and began being grateful for a place to go when I need a bit of sanity and solace.

All that is a prelude to say, if Sweetie hadn't been at a GAL judicial review this morning when a weird thing happened I'd have gone to his room and asked for a hug.

So what happened, you ask? Well I was over at another blog where I read about Traci having a reading at Three Sister's. If you follow the blog you'll find that Traci has been out of work for awhile. She's in one of those transition states (mid-life?) where doing what she's always done no longer speaks to her soul. She's not just looking for a job, she's looking for soul-work. So she has this reading and apparently the cards pick right up on what's eating at her, pointing her straight to her own heart. I've often asked God/Spirit/Universe to speak to me hoping for lightening bolt letters across the sky - something totally unambiguous. It has happened that I've heard the "still, small voice," whispering my name, but never any skywriting. The five of hearts was Traci's take-notes-I'm-talking-to-you moment. I don't know Traci, but I know and trust Dani, so I am sure this card reading stuff is on the up and up. And who cares if it is all smoke and mirrors? What's important is that one listens for the messages that Universe puts out, then puts them to work in their life.

Ah, that's the kicker, isn't it? Not just hearing the words but putting them into action. In her post, Traci writes:
"Not sure how to do that??! How do I? How can I let go? How will my husband and children and father and mothers and sisters and friends and brother & sisters in laws and nieces and nephews and aunties and grandparents be proud of me if I do? Why does letting go feel like I failed? I'm overwhelmed by my feelings right now."

And that's when I started to cry. What the hell is that all about? Not having Sweetie to talk to, I did the next best thing. I cleaned the bird cages. As I scrubbed feathers and guano off the bars of the cage with tears running down my face, I had to ask myself what was going on. I heard a tiny, child like voice say, "I want to follow my heart but I'm too afraid. I want to do soul-work, but I always give up before I get started. I want to do/be something more than I am, but I don't know how. I'm a starter, not a finisher. I've never known how to follow through. I'm scared of how I'll look learning something new. I'm worried about what others will think. And like Traci, I want people to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me."

Well, that came out of nowhere. Or did it? Hasn't it just been sitting there down in the hidden recesses of my gut since I was 12 years old and I heard someone say, "your sister is the smartest one" instead of acknowledging A's on my report card? That sure goes back a long way. Even I know it's time to let go of crappy negative messages and replace them with positive "I" statements. Funny, I knew exactly what to say in the comment section on Traci's blog to encourage her. I love pumping other people up. Even more, I expect that they will believe me and take my words to heart. Strange then, that the same words, but beginning with "I" would fall on my deaf ears. Why does letting go feel like I failed?

Wow, too much information for a Monday morning. Actually, the morning has disappeared and we are well into the afternoon. The dryer has been buzzing for an hour. I guess I better get busy.

Wishing for you a place to go when you get all undone,
Merry ME

P.S. I have no idea what's up with the font size or line spacing on this post. It keeps changing. See, it did it again. Hope it's not too much of a distraction. me


terri st. cloud said...

oh this is so awesome! somehow i don't have tracy's blog on my lists and i have to put it on there. but it was sooo good to get your telling of it. and then to get how it affected you.

i do believe there's some inner rustlings goin' on there....and that's a good thing. a very very good thing......

Tracey Catarozoli a.k.a Sally Sunshine said...

Oh Mary! You have touched my heart and I thank you. I am at a loss for words but do know that I feel raised up by you which is apparently how this circle of women (from my 6 of HEARTS card) told me I would be! Thank you for holding my heart today and for all of the energy you have raised me up with. I FEEL IT!! xxoo

Pamela Jones said...

"Your sister is the smartest." Ouch. Mary, I think you are the "est!" Maybe the right word is the "Maryest." And that is exactly what you are and all you need to be. In the end, we must follow the path of our own heart. Wishing you a very Mary day!

Constance said...

Dear Merry,
When you INSIST on being proud of yourself -- which is fiercer than wanting to be proud of yourself -- you make the choices that support you.
Until then, you dither, worry, hesitate, prevaricate and simply stay in a "what-if" state of intertia.
Believing in yourself and your dreams takes real committment.

Fire Byrd said...

It took me till I was 44 and doing my psychotherapy training to finally stop believing I was acadeamically stupid.
My little sister was the clever one. I was the stupid one.

And now for the last 12 years since that ephiany I just go from strength to strength.

It's all a matter of saying I don't have to believe what others said about me, I can reinvent myself with my own beliefs, cause I'm a grown up ( well some of the time!)

AkasaWolfSong said...

Looks like you have a strong circle of support here Mary all telling you that you are loved and supported and all you need to be in any given moment. That is the key for any of presently in the moment. And I know you can do that! :)

Rachel Naomi Remen also says that "Listening creates a Holy Silence." So listen, listen to your heart, that muse that lives inside of you and then go from there...the whole world is your pallette of living color to choose from.

I'm very happy Sweetie shares that inner sanctum of his...perhaps you could create one of your own? All yours, decorated just the way you want it to be, a place for reflection and quietude that speaks of all the things you Authentically are.
Even if it is a corner of your bedroom or yard...or the laundry room that calls to you when that danged old buzzer won't quit buzzing, lol!

You are Love! And just for the record...The Universe spoke through Tracey's experience today to get your attention and didn't need to write it in the sky...funny how that happens, eh?

I've got your back Sister! I think you are a phenominal woman!

Laura Paine Carr said...

No, definitely not too much, for a Monday or any other day.

You are growing, stretching, blooming! Wow. I am deeply moved by your post, your willingness to stay with "it"(you)! This has such impact on all that you do from this point on, and I am sure that you are to be delighted, thrilled and amazed.

Our stories are just stories. They are old! Gone. Today is the day for you.

You and your Sweetie are creating anew. This is the wonder!