Embrace The Suck

For the last few days I've been wondering if I've got some dread disease, blood clots, or just suffer from unadulterated laziness. I get a small burst of energy then have to sleep for two days just to get back on my feet. I don't sit around crying (can you cry in your sleep) but I burst out in tears even when I'm feeling uplifted (as in church yesterday when I saw a man, who's just come home to take care of his mother who is the same age as my father, touch his mom on the shoulder and they smiled at each other. It was less than a nano second but I saw it and "felt" it like an electric shock. I was jealous and sad and broken open just like that. So of course I slept the day away. This morning I told myself if I had even one ache or pain I could describe to the doctor I'd call for an appointment. I kind of knew what he'd say but I wanted him to say it, not me. The long and short of the visit is that I started crying when the nurse asked me why I was ...

You know how when you ask someone how they are and they say "fine" but you can hear in their voice and body language that they are anything but fine still you nod your head and breathe a sigh of relief because you were really only asking to be polite, you didn't really want the whole story? Or how about when you ask and do want the whole story but they answer fine with an attitude that cuts you off at the knees and makes you sorry you ever cared. "Fine. I'm fine," I sometimes say to Sweetie. "FINE. FINE. FINE." As in F*#!'k'd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. That's kind of a clue to him and he puts down whatever he's working on and looks me in the eye and asks again. Ahhh, but fine is one of those words that can mean something else too. Like "fine" wine which to a wine drinker can mean ooh-lala smell that bouquet. Or he looks "fine" as in Matthew McConaughey which means one might like to rub one's hands...

"If you spend too much time thinking about a thing you'll never get done." Bruce Lee As of about 2:00 this afternoon the my house is now completely painted. Well, the wall are at least. There is still woodwork to sand, caulk, prime and paint but I'm leaving that to Johnson. It is a daunting task just to think about. Sister Jean says everything is "brown" which kind of sounds like she doesn't like brown. And really it's a lot more yellow, like caramelized onions, than brown. I am not sure how a paint called "Clam Chowder" turned out yellow but it did. And so be it. Even though I still have a valence to cover, curtains to make, furniture to put back in place, pictures to hang and carpets to clean I feel like I have made great strides. I think I shall give myself a well-deserved pat on the back. Wishing for you the joy of a job completed. Merry ME

"Painting is self-discovery. Every good artist paints what he is."* Jackson Pollack My Sweetie pointed out last night that since I took the time to write about procrastination, I should also take the time to mention that once I stopped procrastinating and got in the groove, I am now one coat of paint away from being finished - as in put the paint away and start moving the furniture back in place. Woohoo!!!! I look at my fingers as I type and marvel at my ability to get almost as much paint on me as the walls. I look like a painter guy dressed in white clothes spattered with different colored paint. Only thing is, it's not my clothes but my skin that is dotted with Kilz. I shouldn't have to worry about getting mildewed for quite awhile! Today I am grateful for the proverbial light at the end of the painted tunnel. I'm grateful for walls to paint and for the noticeable improvement in my painting skills. I may have paint on me but there was only one drip on the new c...

"Every duty which is bidden to wait returns with seven fresh duties at its back." Charles Kingsley Procrastination is sitting at the computer hopping from one blog to another but not really focusing on anything. Procrastination is taking the dog to get her nails clipped. Procrastination is listening to the sound of someone else's lawn mower. Procrastination is feeling like you'd like to take a good long nap even though you just got up an hour ago. Procrastination is listening to the cat crunch on her kibble, one piece at a time. Seems like I'm spending a lot more of my time avoiding certain tasks than actually doing them. I have one more room to paint. The furniture has been moved into the center of the room. The blue plastic drop cloth (a family heirloom I feel sure crossed the Cumberland Gap when the first Old Man Webb settled his wagon in the Smokey Mountains) has been spread on the floor for days. I just can't seem to get motivated. Could it be the smoke i...

It's father's Day. Another one of those "first withouts" I have to get through since my father passed away. So far there's been my first birthday without my dad, the first anniversary of his birthday without him here to sing to, the first anniversary with neither of my parents here to celebrate what would have been 70 years of marriage. And now the first father's day without a father. I've cried enough during the past week that surprisingly I don't feel like crying today. His not being here today doesn't feel much different than his not being here yesterday. I haven't quite figured out why, but some days I'm just a big ball of tears wrapped up in snotty tissues, other days life feels livable. There does not seem to be a pattern that I can discern yet. Maybe it will come. The radio station I listened to this week had a contest where you call up and give a piece of advice your father gave you and maybe win a big prize. I never called but I di...

"Praise the bridge that carried you over." George Colman In the last couple of days the fire that has already burned 192,000 acres on the Georgia side of the Okefenokee Swamp jumped over into Florida. I guess that's why the air here is so thick with smoke, ash is covering the cars and it is hard to breathe. And I'm not even that close to the fire. Jacksonville Johnnie tells me it's been like this for weeks when he gets up to go to work before the sun comes up. Yikes! Today I'm grateful for the people who fight fires. In fact I'm pretty darn grateful for all the people who put their lives on the line every minute of every day while people like me stay inside where it's cook and the air is clean when I try to decide where to hang pictures. And I'm grateful for the ordinary people who get up every day and go to work doing the mundane, ho hum kinds of jobs that we all take for granted. When was the last time you smiled at the grocery clerk, thanked th...

Tomorrow is the last day of my workshop on grief. It's been an interesting journey with few demands other than an openness to the idea that grief does end and each of us in the group will get through it. Some days it's been easier to see/feel that than others. This week is different. We have a mandatory assignment. We're supposed to write a letter to our missing loved one. I've been dragging my feet. In fact blogging right now is all about avoidance. The house is quiet, I'm by myself with lots of space and time to write. The thing is I don't want to go there. . Partly Little Me has stomped her foot down and put her hands on her hips and is giving her uh-uh-not-going-to-do-it face. She doesn't like it when people tell her something is mandatory! You're not the boss of me she silently bristles, even though she knows and I know I'll do it. I just have to posture a little. Now that I've given myself permission to dawdle just a few minutes longer, I...

Borrowing from the Queen: "A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year." Paul Sweeney Even though Sweetie and I have several anniversaries to choose from today is not one of them. But I did have a moment this morning when I wondered if not only the "new" in newlywed was a stretching things a bit, but that we had perhaps turned into "oldy" weds in need of some marriage counseling. For those of you who don't know us, Sweetie and I look sort of alike, but our similarities end with the white hair and round tummies and proclivity to hang out in baggie jeans. We have recently discovered about ourselves that I am the ying and he is the yang. Which basically means we are polar opposites. I admit I'm kind of (okay, a lot) of a clutterbug and he likes things to have in an identifiable order. I'm kind of (okay, a lot) dramatic and he is cool in most situations except ...

This quote came across my email today. It hit home for me. Thought I'd share" "Grieving is not something to ‘get over’ as much as it is to get into. If we rush grief, it just piles up in some distant place and waits to reapproach. If we dwell too long in grief, we color everything with it and can be consumed by it. If we try to skip over grief, we find it impossible. If we try to minimize our grieving, the unacknowledged parts reassemble and reappear later when we thought it was all finished. If we hate our grief, it will maneuver for our love ... If we allow our grieving, and pracitice sitting still or lying down and welcoming it in the slightest way, it can shift, change and transform.” SARK Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change Into Gift and Opportunity Today I'm grateful for rain. And I'm grateful the storm that brought the rain and fire causing lightening, and roof ripping winds did not come into my neighborhood. I'm also grateful for being ...

If your partner comes home and tells you he has herpes or HPV but (s)he has not been unfaithful just enjoying a hot summer night without mosquito repellent, are you going to believe him/her? "Researchers say they believe the mosquitoes picked up the STD's from the skin of the people they bit." Well duh. I'm thinking I wouldn't want to have mosquito bites down there. Good reason to keep your undies on when mosquitos are around. Feeling like there's way too much money being spent on mosquito research and not enough on making sure "Pee Here" pads actually entice a severely dumb dog to want to tinkle on the pad and not on the carpet. me

Does there come a point when one looks in the mirror and says to oneself, "Self, I think we have enough medals" ? Imagine standing behind the guy at airport security and he not only has to empty out the change in his pockets and take off his shoes (which you know have about 50 laces) but has to undo all his medals, not to mention the epaulettes. Just wondering, me

Sweetie and I did something a little different tonight. We went on a date. We went to hear this guy (Goliath Flores). Well that's what we thought we were doing. As it turned out we went to a bustling restaurant, had to wait for a table, and the drum beat was so loud we couldn't hear the singer. Since we'd already eaten dinner we settled on a slice of quadruple layer lemon cheesecake and some kind of chocolaty cappuccino thing. Both were tasty but way too sweet. When mixed with the drumming, dessert made for the beginnings of a headache. Sweetie also had the thump thump of little feet on the other side of his booth. After a few minutes an unhappy little boy, say around 4, was led by his unhappy father to an empty chair and left there (within sight) to think about his behavior. From my vantage point I could see as the little one immediately assessed his situation. He stared at his dad with sad eyes and lips turned down, looking, if not exactly feeling, remorseful. The coup ...

"Stress is not what happens to us. It's our response TO what happens. And RESPONSE is something we can choose." Maureen Killoran, Life Coach I got up feeling pretty darn good this morning. Knew I had some laundry to do so got right to it. Then started re-potting plants that have been in dire need of some fresh soil and a bigger pot. I took a breather to run to the bank and store for some more pots. I walked into the bank, asked for the lady I usually deal with. Since her office lights were out, it was pretty clear she wasn't in. She's been moved to another bank. One thing I can say for Wachovia, they have nothing against change! Change the name, change the people, change the decor in the end it's still the same place my mom and dad opened an account back in 1962. I shouldn't have let my mind go there. But I did. The reason I was at the bank was to close out my father's accounts. No big deal, right? But as the bank manager started asking questions, and...

"This, surely, is the most valuable legacy we can pass on to the next generation. Not money, houses, or heirlooms, but a capacity for wonder and gratitude, a sense of aliveness and joy. Why don't we work harder at it?" Arthur Gordon A Touch of Wonder Grammy, Ashley, Little Gracie Daughter and Dad Today I'm grateful for time spent with my soon-to-be-a-mother-granddaughter. I got sick the day she arrived so mostly I stayed quarantined in my room while she spent time in the mole hole with her father. When they are together the 24 hour clock has no meaning. They eat, sleep and play when they feel like it. I'll be the first to admit that there has been concern over this pregnancy. Times have certainly changed from when my sister was an unwed mother back in 1967. She was sent away to a "home" and even though she grew noticeably bigger with each visit no one EVER spoke of it. Perhaps my parents discussed it in the confines of their room but it was never shared ...