Embrace The Suck

"I don't think you ever stop giving. I really don't. I think it's an on-going process. And it's not just about being able to write a check. It's being able to touch somebody's life." Oprah Winfrey Le Chat Noir Writers Circle @ the Sulzbacher Center Here we are at the end of NaBloPoMo. As I look back to the beginning, I think I may have gotten off track a little here and there, but kept writing nonetheless. There are several other people who bring me joy that I didn't write about. Like Akasa Wolfsong ; Stephanie Darnell , Maithri Goonetilleke , and Queen Dani . Each of them in their own way have shared their truths with me. They have lifted me up when I was down, given me hope and often made me laugh. It's possible that my old friend "grief" has been a common thread in our blog relationships. Each of these big-hearted bloggers has offered his/her own personal grief journey to make a difference for themselves and others. I, for one, h...

Last summer sometime Sweetie and I went to Mt. Dora. While there I tried on some shoes, sandals, as I recall. They were quite expensive so I was in luck when they did not have my size in stock. When I got home I checked on Zappos for the same shoe. Again Lady Luck was on my side and the shoe was unavailable. A sign I think that the shoes were not meant for me. Well, ever since then I've been getting ads from Zappos that excitedly tell me new Rieker styles are available. "You asked for it and we've got it.," it says in the email subject line. I have never once been tempted to buy the shoes they are suggesting. Rieker shoes may be very comfortable. They me be stylish in Europe. But in my book they are overpriced and on the ugly side. I know at my age, it's okay to forgo style for comfort. Old lady feet that are prone to plantar facitis need "substantial" sturdy, i.e. ugly shoes. I get that. But this ugly? I think it's possible this ad was made for the ...

When I was in the 7th grade I played the flute in the band. I was all about learning to read music, practicing, and playing in front of people. Something happened during the summer between the 7th and 8th grades. I am pretty sure it had to do with BOYS. I looked at my skinny self, whose boobs had not yet grown to their full potential, and playing spin-the bottle with no knowledge yet of French kissing. I began to feel self-conscious. I had an older sister who, in my book, was everything I was not. She was way prettier, could make her hair do whatever she wanted it to, had a flair for make-up, knew how to talk to boys, challenged my father's rules and dared to risk being "bad" if she felt like it. I began to measure my worth by how I compared to her. I wanted to be daring and sexy (okay 8th graders back then were anything but sexy, but they tried at least to be appealing to the opposite sex) and popular. I also needed to be a good girl at all times to win my parents' ...

November 28. Two days left and I will have successfully completed NaBloPoMo 2011. But here's the thing, I've been coughing and sneezing all day so I'm having a hard time finding something to write about. I look around me and all I see is balled up Kleenex. I know that's gross but when you don't feel good and you're going through tissues at a rapid rate, it's just easier to toss them on the floor instead of crossing the room to the trash can. Hey wait a minute. I just had a brilliant idea come flashing though my totally congested head. If I can't go to the trash can, then maybe I should bring the trash can to me. Anyway, here's what I've been thinking about today, brought about by all the Kleenex. In the last year of her life, I started tucking my mom into bed. To make sure she got there safely but mostly so I could kiss her good night and share the last few minutes of the day with her. Mom had several rituals she performed every night. Dad calle...

The Good News: Sweetie is feeling better. The Not-So-Good News: His bug hopped across the room and landed on me. I started sniffling last night. Feel achy all over today. Decided to wash all the linens in an effort to kill a few germs. Guess that's what they call closing the barn door after the horse is out. In between loads of laundry I watched movies on TV. A whole Sunday dedicated to Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I'm not sure it gets much better than that. Well, it would be better if I wasn't feeling icky. Today I'm grateful Tylenol. My wish for you is a mild flu season, Merry ME

'Tis healthy to be sick sometimes." Henry David Thoreau My Sweetie has been sick for 3 days. The sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, can't sleep or breathe kind of sick. I've considered calling the Vicks people to offer him up for a Nyquil ad. Seriously he looks like Santa has gone to bed and may not get up in time to deliver presents around the world. His eyes have lost their twinkle. His normaly perfectly coiffed white hair is all curled up on top of his head and matted in back where it meets the pillow. Girl Cat thinks his big round belly, piled high with quilts is the perfect place to take a nap, until Sweetie coughs and sends her flying into the air looking like one of those scared Halloween cats. The sunlight reflecting of his cherry red nose rivals that of Rudolph. Used tissues that missed the trash can, OTC apothecaries, and empty juice glasses are piled up next to his chair where he lies, contemplating his Last Will and Testament. Whatever the bug i...

Plaid potholders from www.fullmoonfiberart.com One of my favorite authors and bloggers is Jon Kat z, who has succeeded in leaving the big city life behind for a farm in NY. He announced at the beginning of the week that many independent business people were going to go up against mega-businesses for holiday shoppers' dollars. Plaid Friday vs Black Friday. I think it is a grand idea. As much as I adore getting lost in Barnes & Noble and Joann Fabric I also love to wander around small, homey bookstore or quilt store where a curious cat roams the aisles and maybe there is a tray on an antique library table where you can get a spot o' tea. Both Katz and his wife participated in Plaid Friday. He signed books and took orders by phone - no computer person to direct your call. She made plaid-backed potholders. I haven't had my sewing machine out in ages, but I imagine that making plaid potholders has got to be rather soothing. I have always like plaid. I think I have some Scot...

"Can you be truly grateful for EVERYTHING in your life? Even the circumstances, situations and/or people that are challenging? Christine Hassler* Here it is 2:00pm on Thanksgiving day. I am up, showered and dressed. I've walked the dog, made stuffing, peeled potatoes and stuck my hand elbow deep into a turkey carcass. Oh, happy day! About five last night I started flying around the house like a winged monkey in the Wizard of Oz. I frantically, vacuumed the whole house. I got down on my knees to clean cat puke stains that have mocked me for a month. I let the sweat drip off my brow like I'd run a marathon as I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I had the tiniest of flashbacks to a time after I'd first been diagnosed with depression. I'd been laying around worrying my mother about my moodiness for days. All of a sudden as if stuck in the butt with a cattle prod, I got all crazy about cleaning my room. And when my poor mother ventured in to see what was going on,...

It's the day before Thanksgiving and all through the house Nary a whiff of pies cooking for me and my spouse. And that my friends is about as poetic as I can be. I think I'm learning something about myself - don't know yet if it's good or bad. In years past I've whined about the stress level of everything that goes into holiday celebrations. The grocery shopping for all the food to cook. The crowds. The decorations. The gifts to buy and mail. All that on top of the regular to do lists. So here I am the day before T'day not doing one of those things. It's past 1 pm, I'm still in my pjs, and, I'm ashamed to admit, I'm still in the sack. I hear lawn mowers and weed whackers outside the window. Neighbors and dogs and birds are all up and about. And here I sit. Not the least bit stressed and not liking it so much. But also not wanting to do anything about it. Is that me complaining of not having stress? What? Doesn't anything make me happy? Do I...

"Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities." Sue Atchley Ebaugh I'm getting a really late start. Not sure where the day went, but it's just about gone. I've told you before about my writing group, how much it means to me. Our meeting yesterday was small but packed full of information. You know writing is so much more than just putting words on a computer screen. There is so much to learn. When we "Chats" get together we laugh as much as we learn, which is like the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. Individually and collectively, this group of writers is pretty talented, and gutsy. I'm learning it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there. Writing is one thing, you can do it in the wee hours of the morning in your pjs. Or you can do it in a coffee shop or while waiting in the hospital. Ah, but it's the saying "please read this and let me know what you think" and the willingness to hear what needs t...

"God turns you from one feeling to another And teaches you by means of opposites So that you will have two wings to fly, Not one." Rumi Ever felt like you were on a see-saw, sometimes at the top, your feet dangling in the air, and sometimes stuck at the bottom waiting for the person on the other side to come down so you can go up? Ever been on a see-saw when the person on the other side was bigger than you, and could hold you up in the air even when you wanted to get down? Or what about the teeterer who bounces you even when you ask in your nicest voice for her to stop? Moooommmm! She won't let me down..... Hmmm.. Sorry. I got a little carried with memories of the playground! I think my point is, drum roll please, lately I'm feeling a little like I'm on a see saw - either up or down, not spending too much time in the place in the middle. Perhaps this isn't the best of metaphors, because I just realized the middle of the see-saw is where everything is balanced,...

[Note: File this under things that don't make sense but turn out good.] Standing For Those Who Stood For Us Patriot Guard Riders Yesterday, after lying around all day, I got out of bed and went to the screening of a movie about the Patriot Guard Riders . Mainly I went because it was a fund raiser for the Jacksonville Branch of Wreaths Across America . Have you ever seen one of those pictures of a cold wintry day where the ground is covered with snow and all you can see are granite headstones in a National Cemetery decorated with a green wreath sporting a big red bow? Well that's thanks to Wreathes Across America.(Actually it's thanks to Worcester Wreath Company of Harrington, Maine who has been making the wreaths since 1992). I called the cemetery here, where my father and mother are buried and asked about it. Like a frog hopping from one lily pad to another to get to the edge of the pond, I made a few more phone calls, and a few emails and found out what I needed to kno...

"Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rainer Maria Rilke How many times can you to be blasted with headlines about Kim Kardashion's life before a) you start a "We are the 99% (who don't really give a damn what's happening to any of the Kardashions, or Justin Bieber for that matter) Movement" or b) stop reading the stories ? How many times can you watch Say Yes to the Dress and ask a) $10,000 for one dress? or b) why would anyone include her mother-in-law-to-be, her father, her 4th cousin once removed and her gay friend in her dress-buying "entourage"? How many times can you try on sweaters in Florida that were made for wearing somewhere north of the Mason-Dixon line without figuring out a) you look like The Pillsbury DoughBoy wrapped in yarn or b)they are just hot flashes/melt downs waiting to happen? How many times does your dog have to tear the newly installed screen...

"they know me in a way no one else ever has. they open me to things i never knew existed. they drive me to insanity and push me to my depths. the are the beat of my heart, the pulse in my veins, and the energy in my soul. they are my kids." terri st. cloud By a series of serendipitous events, Terri St. Cloud crossed my blog path a few years ago. Terri is kind of like a lightening rod. She attracts and invites people into her world on the premise that they are doing something to make her feel better. When really, what's happening is she is all about doing for others. Through bonesigh arts she shares her story of self-discovery, lighting the way for those who feel stuck in their own darkness. If you know Terri, you know what I mean. If you don't, then you just have to hop on over to her blog/site and rest in the branches of her white tree for awhile. Terri has done a lot of inner child work. In fact to know Big Terri is to know Little Ter. Her work in this area encour...

Editor's Note: I've moved off my "People Who Bring Me Joy" theme for the day. "Life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday." Kahlil Gibran I'm not even sure what that quote means. I think I'm trying to tell myself not to look to keep dwelling on the past. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that. I mean I'm not in denial about the past, I am trying to work through some of my "issues" but I'm not dwelling there instead of moving on. The thing is, it doesn't take much of anything to send me right back to a place of sadness, whether I want to be there or not. Like yesterday, for instance. I went to the doctor for a checkup. No big deal. Only a couple questions about my hurting feet and a shingles vaccine. The doc comes in and says how you doing? First of all, if you're sitting in his office on a table covered in tissue paper that crinkles every time you move, the chances are pretty good you're NOT doing so go...

Angels around us, angels beside us, angels within us. Angels are watching over you when times are good or stressed. Their wings wrap gently around you, whispering you are love and blessed." Angel Blessing Ashley Van Zant I've been working with Shands Hospital for the last couple of years in connection with the Guild of the Christ Child. They have a program called Little Miracles. Every few months I'll load up my car with shoebox layettes and take them down to my friend Ashley Van Zant. It's a toss up which I love more, seeing the shoeboxes wrapped in baby colors ready to be given to moms who might not even have a onesie to take their newborn home in. Or visiting with Ashley. Even a few minutes with Ashley is like taking a double dose of feel better medicine. She's one of those people who, even when she's having a hard time (and believe me she's had some hard times lately), she makes you feel like you are the only person in the world and you can take up as ...