Day 2, Continued

Perhaps I lied in my previous post.
Just came home from church where there was service to honor those who had died in the past year (All Souls Day).
Violin music started the tears. My heart cracked open. I tried to see Dad in the "communion of saints" standing behind the altar ( a vision described by the priest who facilitated my grief group). I couldn't see anything but fractured candle light through my tears.
Candlelight procession was a walk in faith that I wouldn't trip while limping on my sore foot, and cause the people behind me to tumble like a row of dominoes.
Stayed in the Peace Garden that meant so much to dad until they came to blow out the candles.
Noticed someone has trimmed the holly bushes again - one of his pet peeves, of which there were many.
I can't remember what he looked like. If I see a picture, I recognize him of course. But I can't conjure up his face. It's nothing but selfishness (is that a word?) and I wouldn't want it for him, but some days I wish we could turn back the clock to when I was sitting next to his bed in the Hospice Room. There was a peace between us in the silence of the room. I want to go back and sit there and hold his hand, say the Lord's Prayer with him, tell him I love him, tell him I'm sorry though I'm not even sure what for.
And you know what really makes me sad, is I can't remember my mom. Not sure I even miss any more. I miss the idea of her. Is that what happens when grief goes away?

MM

Comments

terri st. cloud said…
i think that's why we want to hang on to grief sometimes....we think that's how we hang on to the person we lost....but i would guess that's not really what grief is for. if it can be 'for' anything....
maybe it's for healing and growing and accepting.

and maybe you can't remember you mom right now. but maybe that's cause you're filled with your grief for you dad. it's all fluid, you know? memories will come back and weave in and out....

it's so darn hard, isn't it?
November 3, 2011 at 9:32 AM
Patricia J. Mosca said…
The physical remembering is not as important to me as the heart remembering...and you always have HEART dear Mary...and like Terri said, maybe healing is for growing and accepting(ourselves!)
November 3, 2011 at 10:55 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Easter Miracle

Image
How is it that after someone you love dies, time moves on even when it feel like its standing still? Philosophers, poets and writers have tried to answer that question since time began. I don't have the answer. I just know that, by what I can only imagine is the Grace of God, it does. When you heart is broken into something resembling a 1000 piece jig saw puzzle and there are no directions on how to put it together, somehow it mends. When some else dies and it cracks again, God stitches the old wound and the new wound together into a patchwork of healed scars. Fifteen years ago, when I watched my mother draw a breath then counted the seconds before she took another but none came, I sat by her bed and tried to imagine being a motherless child. Then I did what any kid would do, ran down the long hospital corridor sounding the alarm. "My mother isn't breathing." "My mother isn't breathing."  Want to see doctors, nurses, CNAs, and cleaning ladies tur
Read more

Holy Moly

I knew it had been quite some time since I'd posted anything here, but had no idea it had been since December. Where does the time go? Is there anyone out there still reading this blog.  I don't know what happened, but the words just quit coming. And maybe I got lazy. One's muse leaving town and being lazy is a deadly combination, especially for a blogger. Well if you're still here, I'd like to redirect you to a new blog. (I know that doesn't make any sense - not writing one place then starting in another. It's kind of like having 5 pairs of jeans, but knowing in your heart of hearts that you really need the ones that are sale staring you in the face.) The new blog Crazy Maizey   chronicles the life of my son's dog, Maizey. She has been diagnosed with cancer. We all feel very sad.  Right now Maizey doesn't even appear to be sick. She limps now and then, but can plays, swims, and beats up her brother like always. For some reason, learning abou
Read more

Book Review

Image
Misadventures of a Happy Heart A Memoir of Life Beyond Disabilities by Amy Quincy When E-books first came out, I was of the I'll-never-buy-one-because-I-like-the-feel-of-a-book-in-my-hand school of thought. Then I bought one. Then two. Then enough more to realize reading on a Nook was infinitely easier than holding a bound book and turning the pages, especially when reading in bed. Which is where I usually read. I also like the fact that I can make the font bigger to match my diminishing eye sight. I got a new pair of glasses last week and was amazed at how clear and bright the world looked through the new prescription. The saleswoman put a card with tee-tiny writing on it under my nose and I could read with no difficulty at all. Until I got home. Now I'm having to move my head either up or down depending on whether I'm looking far away or close up. Perhaps I should have saved the money I spent on new glasses and bought a larger Nook. None of that made any differe
Read more