Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Day 2, Continued

Perhaps I lied in my previous post.
Just came home from church where there was service to honor those who had died in the past year (All Souls Day).
Violin music started the tears. My heart cracked open. I tried to see Dad in the "communion of saints" standing behind the altar ( a vision described by the priest who facilitated my grief group). I couldn't see anything but fractured candle light through my tears.
Candlelight procession was a walk in faith that I wouldn't trip while limping on my sore foot, and cause the people behind me to tumble like a row of dominoes.
Stayed in the Peace Garden that meant so much to dad until they came to blow out the candles.
Noticed someone has trimmed the holly bushes again - one of his pet peeves, of which there were many.
I can't remember what he looked like. If I see a picture, I recognize him of course. But I can't conjure up his face. It's nothing but selfishness (is that a word?) and I wouldn't want it for him, but some days I wish we could turn back the clock to when I was sitting next to his bed in the Hospice Room. There was a peace between us in the silence of the room. I want to go back and sit there and hold his hand, say the Lord's Prayer with him, tell him I love him, tell him I'm sorry though I'm not even sure what for.
And you know what really makes me sad, is I can't remember my mom. Not sure I even miss any more. I miss the idea of her. Is that what happens when grief goes away?



terri st. cloud said...

i think that's why we want to hang on to grief sometimes....we think that's how we hang on to the person we lost....but i would guess that's not really what grief is for. if it can be 'for' anything....
maybe it's for healing and growing and accepting.

and maybe you can't remember you mom right now. but maybe that's cause you're filled with your grief for you dad. it's all fluid, you know? memories will come back and weave in and out....

it's so darn hard, isn't it?

Patricia J. Mosca said...

The physical remembering is not as important to me as the heart remembering...and you always have HEART dear Mary...and like Terri said, maybe healing is for growing and accepting(ourselves!)