Embrace The Suck

Today I noticed ... Two new butterflies. John has rescued one that seems to have a bum leg. New parents can read all the books they want, but it still comes down to trial and error. The sun glistening on the river. My friend Mary seemed more tired and confused than normal. I could eat a whole bag of double-chocolate Milanos without even trying. What did you notice? Merry ME

The service technician from Apple convinced me it was better to pay $19.99 for a new version, and improved operating system, rather than paying the same amount to get him to walk me through downloading a new flash player.  Hey, he gets paid for knowing this kind of stuff, so I said okay, let's do it, knowing that even though the differences between Snow Leopard and Mountain Lion would be minimal, it would be annnoying like walking with a little pebble in my show.  Perhaps when I get use to it I'll say it's a win/win upgrade. Apple gets another twenty bucks in their coffers and I get a flash player, Moutain Lion, and three months worth of phone support. I've noticed I have to scroll up to go down, and vice versa. Some might say I can't abide change, and trying new things is good for my psyche.  To that I'd respond, what the hell is wrong with people that they can't leave well enough alone?  Seriously, this is not a pebble in my show. I'm walking with a...

Noticing how icky I feel today. Not something I can put my finger on. Just that shakey feeling in my gut. And tired. Bad dreams, maybe. Or a dog that felt like getting up to check on things in the back yard every two hours. Hope there is no ick in your day. Merry Me

After posting about the emergence of the butterfly I've been watching, I went to TTBook.com to listen to a story I only heard a bit of while driving this afternoon.  This is what I found. It is a snippet of the near death experience Dr. Eben Alexander had in 2008. "And then there appeared this beautiful spinning kind of filamentous white light, and it was absolutely beautiful flowing harmonious melody.  And this melody spun in front of me and then the whole thing expanded and my awareness went right through it into this very steep valley, verdant beautiful valley.  I was a speck on a butterfly wing, a beautiful butterfly, and there were millions of other butterflies flying all around us in these lazy loops and swirls.  There were flowers blossoming and buds blooming on trees. They would blossom and bloom even as we were flying through them.  Beautiful waterfalls going into these crystal blue pools, and the mist coming up just sparkling.  And this bright...

This afternoon around 5pm. Johnson and I were looking at the pupas today. One of them was turning black. J: It's gonna be soon. ME: Look, you can see the wings. Later, around 7pm. I opened the door to let Suzi out. I looked, expecting to see the black pupa. OMG!  I noticed a butterfly! ME: Johnson! Come quick! We have a baby! Seriously, I don't think the ladies at the empty tomb of Jesus made as much noise as I did. OMG! It is so beautiful. And if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed this butterfly came out of the the pupa I've been watching for a month. See the dark pupa hanging on the wall? It's only a couple days behind. I don't want to sound like some kind religious fanatic, but you know what, I'm feeling pretty drawn to the awesomeness of God right now. I narrated the Passion Story in church today. Didn't get much past the crown of thorns before I choked up. It's a story I've heard over an...

I woke up noticing how much excitement feels like fear, and together they feel like a big ball of spaghetti tangled up in my stomach. Kind of like anticipating Christmas morning as a kid, then finding out you had to get a shot before you could open your presents. You know there's something good on the other side of fear, but getting there takes big girl courage. I'm 61 and wondering where to find my big girl courage. Stay tuned .... Later that same day: Meeting Thunder Going for a walk. Note to self: Keep your feet away from Thunder's feet I'm up! I'm on!  Sweetie holding the reins Dale Evans eat your heart out! Theresa and Merry ME If you're going to conquer your fears, make sure you have someone gentle and understanding to help you. My friend, Amy, who made it all happen, with Sassy Still processing, Merry ME

"For pleasure has no relish unless we share it." Virginia Woolf The Common Reader I guess you know by now I love birthdays. Mostly other people's birthdays.  I like the idea of celebrating me for a day, but in practice it feels uncomfortable to be singled out.  By their very nature, birthdays are ego-centric. I like being ego-centric in private.  At 61 it's time I start practicing what I preach.  Here's what I preach: Birthdays are for celebrating the one and only you. Birthdays are for making wishes, and eating cake. Birthdays are for singing the birthday song and doing the happy dance. Birthdays are for saying thank you. Birthdays are for giving yourself permission. Birthdays are for hugs and smiles. Today I noticed birthdays are also for sharing.  Like sharing your special day with others who a) love you or b) have your same birthday or  c) both of the above.  Along with me, today is also the birthday of Miss Lucy S...

Today I noticed that I, the person who is afraid of horses and has a date with a horse at 2pm on Thursday, was telling Miss Mary not to be worried, because the ride was going to be perfectly safe. By the end of our conversation I had her laughing and myself almost convinced that riding a horse is going to be like a trot in the park. I also noticed the sweet smell of lavender as I vacuumed the living room. Boy Cat likes to knock things off dressers, book shelves, table tops or any place he can get to that he isn't supposed to be. Sometimes I think he's trying to tell me it's mealtime. Other times, I'm sure he's just evil and likes to see things spill, like a full glass of water or a jar full of lavender.  Once he's done his deed, he is off and running. He knows at least one of his lives is in jeopardy. [I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE DAMN CAT JUST KNOCKED OVER THE LAVENDER AGAIN.] I've learned chasing him down the hall does little to help...

“i will be mindful of the act of loving you every day of my life.  i will not take you for granted,  but will keep my eyes open to the treasure that you are,  allowing room for your individuality and your own uniqueness.  i will not try to bend you to my ways,  but rather open myself to your ways as being part of who you are.  i will embrace all of you.  the dark parts along with the light.  because, together, those parts create the being that i love.  i will accept you, respect you and admire you.  and if something comes between us to make me stumble with this,  i will go to you and ask your help with my struggle.  i will bring my challenges to you,  looking for your thoughts and support  and i will return that support to you freely.  when i'm hurt, i will believe in your love for me,  i will bring you my hurt,  and together we will grow from it and then put it aside...

Today I noticed, out the corner of my eye, at 3am that Johnson had figured out a way to save a tiny green cocoon that had blown off it's sticky holder-on-er. He's got it clothes-pinned to the wall.  As mad as I get sometimes with that man-child, he never fails to show his big heart when it comes to animals of any kind. I noticed that Miss Bella is losing some of her newborn-ness. At 12 weeks she smiles at me like it's the real thing, not gas. Today she wore the tiniest pair of jeans I've ever seen. The two inch zipper actually worked. What have you noticed lately? Was it big or small? Merry ME

Sometimes it's the little things in life that make one say, "Hot damn! How cool is that!" Like an electric tea pot. Or, more specifically, my new Capresso H2O Plus, glass, cordless, safety kettle. Gone are the days of going to the creek for water, building up the fire and waiting for the pot to boil. Okay, I never had to go to a creek or even prime a well. And, while as a Girl Scout I built a pretty good fire, the flames were better suited for making S'mores than boiling water.  In all honesty the only water I boil is for tea. It's not that big a deal. What is a big deal, is the fact that I often turn on the wrong burner.   I've been known to turn the back burner up to high, under the empty tea kettle. Maybe others have done  have done something similar ... once. Let me just say I've done it more than that. Out with the old and in with the new. Even though it wasn't my birthday when the postman delivered a box from Amazon, I couldn't wait...

I was rinsing out a bottle of shower spray. Filling it up and pouring the water out. Not paying a whole lot of attention to anything except the filling and pouring rhythm. For some reason, my eye caught the teeny, tiny writing "ish." As in refill 2.5 ish X. That cracked me up. I thought manufacturers had to be a bit more precise than ish-y. Ish is when a mom wants her kid to eat her vegetables. She knows it's way more than 2 bites, butwhen asked, she says, "two-ish." Or when a teen tries to sneak in past the curfew and the sleeping parents, opens one eye but can't see the clock, and the teen says, "I'm home early. It's only 12-ish." I wonder what the FDA thinks about this kind of labeling? Have a stupendous day. Or fine-ish if you prefer. Merry ME

I noticed tonight that sitting at a table, talking about love and marriage and having babies, puts women all at the same playing level. I didn't feel so much like a "servant." Merry ME

Me: Sweetie, I think I have a few control issues. Sweetie: Yeh. Me: Hey! Are you agreeing with me. I thought you'd say, "no Dear, you don't need to hold on to life's reins so hard that you make it go in the direction you want." Sweetie: Well see, I think you just gave your own example. Control is holding on to the reins. No control is floating through life like a just released helium balloon, riding the air currents, and enjoying the view. Me: You mean people do that? Hmmm. Me: I was telling Sweetie the other night I think I have some control issues. Weneki: I think so too. Me: Hmmm. I remember the first time I ever heard of control issues. I was in a 12-step meeting. Someone brought up the subject and the rest of the circle nodded in agreement. I thought control was my father, or my husband, or my son, always being in charge. You know, being the boss. Since I've never considered myself the boss of anything, I never thought control issues were my p...

Today I noticed  the colors of Spring. I'm always amazed how, as the seasons change from winter to spring, the world turns green. Not just green. But GREEN, in every shade imaginable. While waiting in line at the bank I counted six different greens. Like the Divine One opened up his big box of crayons and colored leaves on bare trees. When I looked out my kitchen window I noticed a magnificent make cardinal. All decked out in his red suit like he was going to help pick the new pope. When I walked through the flower section of Winn Dixie I spied some pink tulips and yellow daffodils just starting to open up. I noticed the sky was a pretty shade of blue in the morning, then turned cloudy and a little gray before the sun went down. Rain is forecast for tonight. A man walked by me carrying a pillow, blanket and pink tinkerbell bag as I waited for a friend in front of the hospital. When he drove back around I noticed he was picking up his wife and obviously brand new baby. T...

I noticed I didn't post this yesterday. I got sidetracked changing all the clocks. I noticed how sweet it is to talk to Weneki on the phone. We don't do it as much as I'd like.  She tells me I need to learn how to text, that it's inevitable. I want to be connected, just not that connected. I think I'd rather hear her voice than see her words.  But, I can see how, in an emergency, a quick, "I'm okay" would calm a lot of fears. I noticed how spending time with Miss Mary feels like having a girl friend and a mom rolled into one. Merry ME ___ I've noticed today a cloud of blue hanging over me. Then I noticed no one can be blue when holding a baby, or when said baby smiles at you, or when said baby lies sound asleep looking like an angel. Merry ME

 Katie's topic for today is the plight of women around the world. Need for education. Safe childbirth. Safe everything, I remark to myself.  Wishing. I turned on the computer. Saw a picture of Reid, the newest member of our family. Everyone agrees he looks a lot like my dad.  Thinking of faraway family. The tears begin to fall. Answered an email question about my mom. Missing her. More tears. Went to FB. Watched a hilarious video of an older woman dancing. I never saw my Grandmother dance. Not sure if she ever did.  I looked at the dancing woman's body. Smiled about the "crone" conversation we had at writing group this week. About embracing my curves and gray hair hair.  My feet and hips moved to the music. I smiled. Remembering good times.  More tears. Was reminded that it is International Woman's Day.  Read this Chinese proverb: "When sleeping women wake. Mountains move."  Thinking about woman around the world. When will we gather ...

Today I noticed how fickle my emotions can be are. How easily I can  doubt who I am, what my abilities are, how worthy I am. I hadn't heard anything definite about the nanny position I've been working/interview for.  When I  spoke to the agency and learned the family was doing other interviews, I immediately felt like I was being judged (which, of course, I was because that is, after all, what a trial period is all about right?). But not in a good way. Of if was in a good way, I didn't know how I was stacking up against someone else. I felt less than, without even knowing. I felt unworthy, even though I've had a few of my own doubts.   I understand that those feelings reside deep in my gut. That they are easily triggered. But I'm always surprised at the speed in which they lay me low. At the other end of the emotional spectrum, I also had a moment of feeling quite good about myself. Someone whose opinion I greatly appreciate told me she's enjoyed reading m...

There is probably nothing better than running down the hall and jumping back into my warm bed after letting the dog out in the morning.  Well, okay, that's an exaggeration. There are lots of things better, most of them having to do with chocolate. Still a warm bed and another hour of sleep are pretty near the top of my list. Sweetie has trouble with his back so most nights he wanders out to his chair and sleeps there, covered from nose to ankle. It makes me cold just to look at his bare feet sticking out from the blanket turning blue. Not so blue that they need a tag on the toe, but they do look sort of cadaverous. When I open the door behind him, I usually check to make sure he's still breathing. I'm sorry Sweetie doesn't sleep well in the bed. However, I have gotten used to crawling into the middle of a bed, now made for one, and surrounding myself with pillows and covers. This is often the time Boy Cat will jump off his perch above the TV and join me, or knock so...

I noticed today that even if it was over 50 years ago, a deep wound from your childhood still hurts. I noticed how talking about it with someone you trust can ease some of the pain. I [re]noticed that trust is one of the most important aspects of my relationship with Sweetie. We trust each other enough to venture, hand in hand, into those dark places we both like to avoid. Feeling grateful, Merry ME

I noticed today that when I go into my friend's house, she is often stiff, in pain, unhappy or any combination of the three. After talking awhile, she begins to smile. She moves a little easier.  Before I leave I've heard her laugh at least once.  Tonight I helped her fix a "real" dinner. Fish, sweet potatoes and broccoli - as opposed to a frozen entree. "Hey, this is good," she said. I noticed that it made me smile. Mary calls me Angel Girl. I'm flattered. But I don't want my head to get too big for my halo.  I learned a lot from taking care of Dad.  I also feel like there were a few lessens that didn't quite sink in.  By helping Mary I'm kind of getting a do-over.  That makes checking on her, making sure she eats, helping her bathe and seeing that she laughs a little every day a two-way street. We all need an angel girl. We all gave angelic qualities to share. All it takes is a few minutes to connect with another person. You can...

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss! He gave us the fishes, Of red and of blue. He told us of Horton Who heard a small Who, And the very good zoo Of young Gerald McGrew. He sent us the hat-cat, And Things one and two. I was reminded by my blog friend, Pam, that today is Dr. Seuss's birthday. Not to mention that Pam is a pretty poet herself. Hop on over there and read the rest of her tribute to the man who invented Green Eggs and Ham. Shortly after reading that I happened to notice that it is also Lacey's birthday. She's 12 today. I wouldn't have known without driving down the street and seeing this really fun indication that a party was in order. I don't know Lacey, but I'm guessing waking up to a yard full of cupcakes made for the start of a wonderful birthday. Here's hoping all her wishes come true. Merry ME

I have begun to realize that all this "noticing" is making me more observant. The more I notice, the more I see. I'm paying more attention to things I might not have bothered with before. Is that they mean when they say be in the moment? Dad used to tell me to slow down, that I went to fast. He reasoned that is why I forget so much.  I have noticed noticing things has slowed me down, if only for that  moment of seeing what's in front of me. Today I noticed : 1. A new chrysalis. Yesterday when I checked on the progress of pupa A, I noticed all the other caterpillars that had been on the bush the day before were gone. I looked around the bush and on the ground to no avail. Then I noticed that there was one caterpillar hanging on the wall. I tried to move him to the bush thinking he'd like that better. He was stuck by the tiniest of black sticky spots. He sort of curled himself into the letter "j," looking like he was settling in for a long winter's...